When Should a Friendship End…

In your book, Business Secrets from the Bible, you talk about bad relationships. You did not define a bad relationship. I think I am in a bad relationship. I really would like a Biblical answer as to what constitutes a bad relationship.

This topic is relevant to friendships and business partnerships and just because one has an argument or two, I would not think that that constitutes a bad relationship. There should be some markers or characteristics. I would be grateful to hear from you about this.

Sincerely,

Daniel M.

Dear Daniel,

Before we can talk about bad relationships, we have to recognize that the word relationship in itself is vague. A legal business partnership is entirely different from a marriage, both of which are completely different from a friendship. The relationship between parent and children cannot be compared to the relationship between neighbors or a Little League coach and player.

In our book, The Holistic You, we collect all of life’s relationships into five categories. Relationships with your family; with your money and money related relationships, e.g. customers or business associates; with your friends, i.e. all relationships that are not familial or financially based; with yourself and your body; and with God.

Leaving aside the last two, we are left with three types of relationships, and each possesses its own characteristics. Family relationships can’t vanish regardless. You may feel that your parents failed you or your child may say that they are severing the relationship, but nothing has really changed. Your connection and obligations toward your parents or toward your child remain.

Financial relationships are usually governed by contract or at least by convention. A unilateral violation of that understanding would be indicative of a bad relationship and may involve termination. Financial relationships often also evolve into friendships.

From your letter, we assume that you are talking about a friendship, one that may or may not include a loose—non-legally defined—working partnership. Perhaps you refer business to each other or share ideas, for example.

You are certainly correct that occasional arguments in no way suggest that a relationship should be terminated. If anything, disagreements often provide an opportunity for both parties to expand their thinking and recognize an alternate viewpoint.

One of the toxic trends in today’s society presents in extreme reactions. Horrifyingly, even supporting certain candidates in an election is seen as a cause for cutting off contact with parents or long-time, previously cherished friends. Rarely in the past did we see external circumstances cause such severe separation in close relationships.

Many friendships fade away naturally. A change of location, circumstances, or interests may lead to a gradual lessening of contact. That doesn’t mean that it is a bad relationship; it is a relationship that is no longer filling its original purpose. Both sides should still feel warmly towards each other.

A bad relationship on the other hand, is one that makes the two parties into lesser people. Maybe it is a relationship built on gossiping about others or in supporting each other in poor life choices. Sometimes, what starts as a friendship turns into an unbalanced connection that damages both sides. Discovering unethical or immoral behavior in a friend may well lead one to reduce contact.

However, friendships are precious. We would hesitate before defining a previously close and long-standing relationship as one that needs to decisively end. Cutting off contact should not be due to laziness or an unwillingness to feel discomfort while working on a friendship. Defining a relationship as bad should be a rare and unusual occurrence.

We hope this was helpful,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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