What Happens if My Dress Doesn’t Match My Actions?

Dear Rabbi and Susan,

Ever since October 7, I’ve been wearing a kippah (a head covering worn by most observant Jewish men)—not because I’ve become more observant (I learned from you to use that word rather than “religious”)—I haven’t—but because I’m proud to be a Jew.

I’ve gotten some pushback from some of the more observant members of my synagogue who regard my wearing a kippah while not being full observant as simply wrong. But I wear it to let the non-Jewish world know that I am Jewish, that there are Jews among them. And with very little exception, I’ve received compliments and support from the non-Jewish world.

I’d appreciate your view on whether or not I should continue to wear my kippah. My Chabad rabbi has virtually no objection, but I’d also like to know your thoughts.

Thank you for all the good work you do.

Edward R.

Dear Edward,

Rather than give you a yes/no answer, we’d rather lay out the arguments on both sides of the issue. The kippah is also known as a yarmulke, a word that translates into ‘awareness of God.’ While from a religious perspective a man’s head must be covered when he is praying or reciting a blessing, wearing a head covering at all times has become more of a statement, similar to a uniform that serves as a group identity.

This is precisely how you are viewing it. As negative media abounds, you want to proudly stand as a Jew. This is unrelated to your growth or lack of growth in observance of Jewish law.

What basis is there to object?

The first, and most important one, pertains to what happens when you do something that the Torah prohibits one from doing while so visibly identifying as a committed Jew. You run the risk of making what is called a ‘chilul HaShem,’ a desecration of God’s name. This is something that parents often point out to their sons before allowing them to wear a kippah. Their behavior will reflect on all Jews and on God. Quite the responsibility!

Truthfully, this idea means that anytime a Jewish man loses his temper, says cruel words, doesn’t help someone when he should, or shows any other type of lack of integrity and character, he should take off his kippah. In reality, many of us would be snatching off and replacing our kippah thoughout the day if we kept this idea uppermost in our minds.

What might trouble some of the members of your synagogue is a less serious form of this concept. Will you wear your kippah while eating in a non-kosher restaurant? While driving on Shabbat? That would certainly present a dissonance for anyone seeing you. A more serious concern would be if someone, for example, sees you buying non-kosher food and on the basis of your kippah assumes that it is kosher and buys it as well. In that case, you might cause others to stumble.

Our advice would be that you make your own decision while keeping uppermost in mind that publicly identifying as a Jew means that your behavior is under deeper scrutiny both by God and by man. You probably won’t go far wrong by being guided by your rabbi.

Be strong and of good courage,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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