Prologue: Living in an echo chamber is easy but debilitating. If we don’t encounter ideas other than our own or ones that challenge our thoughts, our minds become duller and our beliefs less stable. For this reason, I follow certain personalities with whom I disagree much of the time, but I find them rational, thoughtful, and reasonable.
Recently, one such writer made a comment disparaging concerns about platonic relationships between the sexes. I commented on her piece and a fellow reader replied to my words in what I perceived as a snarky tone, suggesting that I may need a chaperone because I don’t trust myself, but I shouldn’t assume others do too.
I chose to ignore the tone and replied with the following:
I’m going to try to reply to this without it becoming a dissertation (maybe I’ll do a longer piece on the topic on my own Substack), but here is where I disagree with what you wrote. It’s a question of tone. I don’t think of the word ‘chaperone’ nor do I worry (only) about a sexual context. Marriage is a unique relationship. I think it is a precious one and can think of little more valuable than having a lifetime, loving marriage. That is not a default, and there are many cultural tugs fighting against that. I do what I can to protect my marriage. I have close emotional relationships with relatives, with our children, with dear friends. But I don’t want a close emotional relationship with another man (leaving aside father, brother, son, etc.) Now, I protect my marriage from my women friends as well. I don’t participate in ‘gripe sessions’ where we put down our husbands. If I have a problem I may share with a friend who can offer support and advice, but I don’t gratuitously breach the privacy of my marriage to get a laugh or sympathy. Every marriage is going to go through low points, times of disappointment, times of lack of connection and attraction. At the same time as I am not scared of ‘impulsively becoming sexually involved’ I think it would both arrogant and naive to think that I am immune from that type of failure. (Incidentally, this goes both ways. My husband doesn’t have independent female friends just as I don’t have male ones.) Look at newspapers, history, and just the real world and they are full of people who destroyed a marriage and family when they never thought they would. But even if nothing physical ever happens, it can adulterate my marriage if I lean on another man emotionally. My husband and I have been together through tough times. We’re in our 46th year of marriage. We have faced those things that life throws at you including financial struggles, losing parents, difficult times with children, breast cancer, and watching a child die from cancer. All of these were made easier by our strong connection and solid marriage. That is a gift. I’m not projecting anything on other people – though reality suggests it is a real concern – but when young men and women ask me for advice, which they do, I do encourage them to keep their marriage bond sacrosanct and that one way to do so is to carefully manage relationships with those of the opposite sex. Not because I think they are one step away from adultery, but because little will add to their joy in life as walking that path with a devoted, loving, spouse, and it is easy to damage that connection.
To my delight, she thanked me for my explanation and started following my Substack account.
A few days ago, I wrote the following piece for that Substack. It isn’t a complete picture of my thoughts on the subject, but it is a start. I would appreciate hearing Happy Warriors thoughts on the subject, one that I think is worth developing and one on which you and I may disagree.
Here is what I published:
Close to forty years after its debut, When Harry Met Sally is still widely quoted, frequently watched, and much loved. Ask any fan whether the film’s progression, from meeting to friendship to (spoiler alert) love, puts it in the category of fantasy and you’ll get a puzzled look. In fact, romantic relationships that grow from dislike and enmity or ‘just friendship’ into either sigh-inducing and lasting love or destructive emotional and physical relationships, are found everywhere. They are in Shakespeare and Jane Austen through the most recent rom-com variations as well as in daily news stories (Coldplay anyone?).
Since this phenomenon is easily recognizable, why does making a statement warning married couples about maintaining platonic friendships with the opposite sex provoke such ridicule? Why does the suggestion that men and women think carefully before assuming that they can be ‘just friends’ elicit such ire?
I think, in part, it is because what people hear in such a warning is that men and women can never interact without romantic or sexual overtones. It raises issues around workplace interactions that conjure visions of ‘no women need apply.’ Some hear a judgmental tone implying complete lack of personal control. That doesn’t align with their personal experience.
But what those warnings are actually saying is that it is folly to assume that we can know in advance how relationships are going to develop. Furthermore, whether feelings lead to action or not, more than one study reveals that men and women are often in the dark as to the thoughts in the minds of their ‘platonic friends’.
My perspective is that precluding problems is easier than solving them once they arise.
In my husband and my 2024 book, The Holistic You, the section that generated the most controversy among younger readers was precisely our recommendation against pursuing platonic friendships. It didn’t matter that we cited verifiable examples; people pushed back because they were wedded to their own ideas and resented conflicting information.
Herein lies a conundrum.
When responsible couples marry, they picture a life-long bond. Video clips of couples celebrating their 50th, 60th, and more anniversaries while gazing with love at their partners garner huge audiences. Women, in particular, still melt at stories with ‘happily ever after’ endings. But annoyingly, practical strategies that help achieve those outcomes often sound old-fashioned and anachronistic.
There are many ways my husband and I protect our marriage. We don’t throw out the word ‘divorce’ no matter how upset with each other we may be. We don’t make demeaning jokes about each other for the sake of a laugh. We create opportunities to build new joyful memories and to connect around shared interests.
And, from day one, we set down boundaries to ensure that even when, either individually or as a couple, we are in a vulnerable place we have a lockbox surrounding our marriage. One aspect of that is not having anyone of the opposite sex hovering in the background to whom we might turn for empathy and support.
Neither of us want a potential “Harry” or “Sally” in our orbit. If the price of that is occasional scorn or anger, it is one we gladly pay.
Epilogue: I’m sure you noticed that I didn’t reference the Bible or God. While I make no secret of my religious grounding on Substack, I am writing there in the hopes of reaching a broader audience, including people who would never come to an overtly religious site.
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In my first year or two of college I often cut young men’s hair in trade for lunch or dinner out. There was one boy who was a friend from my hometown and I regularly cut his hair and played raquetball with him. It was also during this time that I met and married my husband. After about one month of marriage, I let my new husband know that ‘Dave’ was coming over for a haircut. He decidedly let me know that he didn’t want me to cut other men’s hair anymore, nor did he want me to play raquetball one-on-one with Dave anymore. I was young and truly didn’t understand the problem with either one of those, but my husband knew what I wasn’t aware of – Dave really had feelings for me all along. I did what he asked, Dave eventually married, and we enjoyed couple get togethers after that. I’ve been very grateful that my husband guided me into correct, mature behavior that allowed us to all enjoy each others’ friendship with boundaries.
Kristen, I have a suspicion that a young bride today sharing a similar request of her husband’s with friends or a therapist would be told that he is controlling and domineering and she should get out of the marriage. I’m glad this happened to you years ago!
My husband and I are in our 46th year also. I love him more every day. We met when we were both going through a divorce. Thank goodness neither of us had children as that can be a minefield that ties you to an ex for life. But my comment is this. Out of college my first job was in a male dominated accounting state office. I was the 2nd woman to be hired & on the 2 years I was there no other women were hired. My first friend was a married newbie like me. Being pretty attractive I got a lot of attention but he & I got along well. On a company outing really feltvlike his wife wasn’t happy but shrugged it of. After leaving I met him for lunch one day (still married to the 1st) when he suggested we might try out a hotel. Was I not only shocked but not even a little tempted. Never told hubby. But it did teach me a lesson. After my divorce I dated a fellow employee from that state office who accidentally introduced me to my wonderful new husband who has been a wonderful father and supportive husband. So I steer clear of those type of close friendships because I never talked to that man I had really liked again.
I’m so glad that you and your husband got – and seized – a second chance at happiness. Thanks for sharing your experience.