Take Two: I Want Guests

I live in the Bay area, which is a popular tourist destination. I would welcome having visitors as guests in our home but my wife absolutely rejects the idea. She gets all stressed about it.

Isn’t it a good or Godly deed to host old friends or relatives?

What are your thoughts on this?

M.

Dear M,

Oh, we have so many thoughts on this. While we love hearing from you, we really think that you should be speaking to your wife and not to us.

You are certainly correct that God looks kindly on hospitality and kindness to others. There are also many other deeds that make Him smile. Just to give you a few ideas, do you regularly visit the sick and religiously give charity? Are you a Big Brother and do you offer handyman help to any neighbors who might be widowed?

The point we are making is that there are many ways in which to reach out to others and we all tend towards ones that fit our time, talents and personalities. You might enjoy having guests, but perhaps your wife would prefer cooking for new mothers or driving an elderly neighbor to a doctor’s appointment as her “Godly deed” activity.

We personally love having guests. Even so, as Susan began devoting more hours to creating and editing our teaching resources, we have not extended ourselves in this area as much as we used to. None of us can do everything. You may be picturing sitting and chatting with relatives and your wife may be picturing extra laundry, cooking, and clean-up. Or perhaps she relishes quiet time at home because her days are hectic.

We don’t know why she doesn’t want guests, but we suggest you find out without being critical and implying a lack in her for not wanting them. If it is a matter as simple as doing laundry, you can assure her that you will take care of it. If it doesn’t fit her personality or her current schedule, then the two of you might decide that she will welcome your childhood best friend and you won’t even ask about having over that second cousin with whom you never speak.

This difference of opinion is an opportunity for the two of you to learn more about each other and to show how much you value each other’s desires. The discussion can be the glue that holds you together rather than a wedge that drives you apart.

One thing you can know for sure. Striving for harmony in the home is a good and Godly deed.

Wishing you a peaceful home,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

P.S. This letter opens the Family section of our book, Dear Rabbi and Susan: 101 Real-Life Ask the Rabbi Questions, and as such holds a special place in our hearts. It seemed an apt question to republish as the Monday after Passover arrived and we hadn’t prepared a new Ask the Rabbi question. Why not? Because the large meals we hosted over the holiday consumed much of Susan’s time.

One of the costs of encouraging women to join the paid workforce, whether through social or economic pressure, is a lessening of the ability to open one’s home to guests. Hosting takes time, energy, and money even if doing so in a laid-back way. For those outlays, one gets many benefits including stronger friendships and families. We are more aware now than when we originally wrote this answer of how a diminishing of hospitality has accompanied a diminishing of human relationships. However, our main point remains that couples need to work together to discover what is important to them.

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