Posts tagged " spouse "

Second chance marriage

April 21st, 2020 Posted by Ask the Rabbi 13 comments

I’ve been listening to your videos on YouTube and I’m so grateful for the valuable information you share.

I am a religious Jewish woman and very family-oriented. I got married at 23 which was over 2 years ago. There has been too much unsureness & insecurity & we recently got divorced.

I don’t even believe in divorce – not that it’s a religion – but basically I think there’s always something that can be done or worked on. I’d never believe that I’d go through it, & with our 1 & 1/2-year-old, but I realized so much negativity can be too much.

I’d like to be with the right person G-d willing, but aside from having a good time dating & good company how can one ensure that the person is of high value & will be lovingly there for them in the long run?

Thanks a million.

Yvonne     (name changed for privacy)

Dear Yvonne,

How can one “ensure that the person is of high value & will be lovingly there for them in the long run?”  One can’t. However, we can up the odds of entering into a positive and long-lasting marriage.

The two separate components of doing so are first, finding the best person and then second, making the union work. In God’s Biblical blueprint, neither Adam nor Eve were given choices.  God didn’t parade a choice of women before Adam like an early MIss Eden contest.  Neither did He allow Eve the option of looking at Adam and saying, “Hmm….really? That’s it?  Could You maybe show me another one?”  The emphasis in the elemental model of marriage was on what happened after the wedding rather than on the process of choosing.

Nowadays, it is not so simple; partially because to some extent, we are all greatly influenced by a deteriorated culture around us, and indeed, some of us are damaged.  For that and other reasons, choosing wisely is now an increasingly important part of the process of building a lifelong marriage.

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Why is my cheating spouse doing great?

March 31st, 2016 Posted by Ask the Rabbi No Comment yet

Question:

Why when one is faithful in a marriage and is betrayed it seems like they are punished by the break up of the family and losses. The cheater goes on and looks successful.
 
How to move forward?

∼ Karen

Answer:

Dear Karen,

We are so sorry for what sounds like a tremendously difficult time you are going through. You are right that a sad feature of reality is that in this world the wrongdoer often seems to do better than the wronged. In Drivers Ed., they used to tell us that in a car crash caused by a drunken driver, the drunk is often less injured than his victims since his body doesn’t tense up at seeing the accident is imminent.

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Resentment in Marriage

April 30th, 2015 Posted by Ask the Rabbi No Comment yet

Question:

I have been reading your book Buried Treaure and one of the things you said was that if either partner in marriage feels like a martyr then its very bad.
 
Can you explain further why and what that portends?

∼ Maureen

Answer:

Dear Maureen,

You are referring to the chapter in our book, Buried Treasure, on the Hebrew word, KoRBaN, sacrifice. In that chapter, we say that giving is vital for a marriage, but that the giving is of a joyful, not resentful nature. (Speaking overall – obviously, there are times we need to push ourselves to give when we just want to focus on ourselves. Or when there is only one Godiva chocolate left. At those times, our hearts may not be overflowing with good cheer.)

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