I know this will seem a ridiculous question, and I feel ridiculous asking.
I was raised Pentecostal Christian. I did drugs and was very lost. I was married at 18, and had my first child, then divorced after 1 year due to drug abuse and violence. I then shacked up with my current husband and had six more kids before finally getting married to him. He’s a good husband and father. We’ve been attending a Baptist church for a few years now.
I am trying to figure out how to honor God, and not just assume that I can dismiss everything I am, or do wrong, as excused by grace.
I am no scholar, I have only just recently started reading the bible, and I don’t feel like I’m even doing that correctly… On top of that, my husband is totally disinterested in what I’m trying to do. He thinks I’m trying to “be a Jew,” which isn’t true, I just want to honor, and obey God.
What research I have done recently, has felt discouraging, people in the forums argue, and are all sure they know the real truth, but there can only be one real truth.
Last week, I convinced my family to do Sabbath with me. Even though I tried, I still failed and didn’t have everything prepped. My husband works odd hours, so we’re used to eating dinner fairly late. So I was working serving dinner, when the sun had gone down. I did succeed at taking everyone’s phones away, and keeping the tv off. We didn’t even play music. The next morning, Saturday, we slept in. We ate toast and eggs, again I failed to prepare food for the day. Went hiking into our woods, started a fire, and hung out until it was almost dark. Everyone said it was a good day, but in my heart I felt lacking.
I know you can’t hear my voice, or feel the depth of what I’m trying to say. But I often weep over my inadequacies. I feel incredibly overwhelmed, floating between the Law, and the Grace. I’m a Christian, so I believe in Jesus, but He said that He came to fulfill the Law. I don’t even really know the Law.
I’m afraid that my children will suffer because of me. Perhaps I am suffering because of my parents, and they from theirs…the blame can go all the way back to Adam and Eve. What should I do?
I don’t want to insult the Lord with my pitiful attempts, but at the same time, I love the Lord.
Thank you for your time, and all you do.
I love your podcasts.
You sound like you have traveled far in your personal and emotional growth. Women, in particular, sometimes have a tendency not to give themselves credit for things they do and instead fixate on their flaws and what they must yet accomplish. Before we discuss your question we’d like you to take a moment to recognize the huge steps you’ve made. You got off drugs, left a violent marriage, and stayed with and married a man who, like you, is committed to the children you are raising. You are connected to a church and working hard to be the best wife, mother and Christian you can be. Whew! You have accomplished a lot.
What is more, we want you to know that if one had to choose between a life that started well but then went off the tracks and ended horribly or, one like yours that started with painful turbulence but ends in harmony and happiness, this is by far the preferred path. It’s a big thing you’ve done in changing your trajectory and you are fortunate enough to have a “good husband and father” as a partner. Be grateful.
At this point, you are a spiritual striver and trying best to understand God’s directions for your life. As Jews trying to follow ancient Jewish wisdom, we can explain that God assigns different roles, challenges and tasks to different people. These include men and women; mothers and fathers, children and siblings, doctors and plumbers, those living in the land of Israel and those outside the land; those descended from Aaron the High Priest or the tribe of Levi and those descended from the other tribes. It is all about which religious responsibilities, restrictions, rules and regulations we adopt, not about being better or worse. In this scenario, Jews are supposed to shoulder more responsibilities, restrictions and obligations than everyone else.