Supporting Grown Children

Dear Rabbi and Susan,

How much involvement should parents have in their adult children’s lives?

It has become very common today for parents to support their adult children. They help pay for rent, mortgage, school and/or summer camp for their grandchildren, etc.

I’ll give a couple of examples: One couple we know, the husband recently lost his job (his wife is a stay-at-home mom), and they have young children. Let’s call them Peter and Meghan. His parents have offered to help them out with paying their mortgage and some bills while the husband is looking for new work. His parents have helped them out in the past also by giving them money.

Meanwhile, his mother mentioned to Meghan that it is time for her to return to work. His parents have made comments similar to this in prior years and also praised daycare, stating that “it is good for children ages 18 months old and older to go to daycare.”

Example number 2- Another couple with four children, the husband had a major mental health breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a month. The wife is a stay-at-home mom, though she does tutor a few hours a week. The husband’s parents are helping the family out while things settle down.

On the two situations I mentioned above, when is it too much? When parents are involved too much, doesn’t it take away the grit and desire from working through financial challenges on their own as a couple? Also, the involvement of parents can often harm the marriage. Parents also could push their ideas and expectations.

What advice would you give to the couples in these situations?

Thanks,

Heather

Dear Heather,

We have three different answers depending on who is asking the question. We would say one thing if we were giving a theoretical seminar to an audience curious about the topic—perhaps forming their own ideas to know how best to raise their young children.

If we were being asked in a specific situation, our answer would be tailored depending on the specific facts. If the parents were the ones asking whether they should offer help our advice would, by definition, be different from the advice we would give the younger couple if they were the ones asking if they should accept the offered help. We would have questions about family dynamics and the 5Fs tailored to the individuals.

Maybe we’re wrong, but we detect a slight annoyance in your tone. One principle we try to follow is not to offer advice when not asked. If the two couples in your example have not asked your advice, we strongly suggest that you not offer any. Families are entitled to privacy and do not need to justify their choices to others. None of us know the details of other people’s lives, nor should we.

From your question, we think you are asking a general question, perhaps to spur thought and conversation in your own life. In general, ancient Jewish wisdom stresses that part of a father’s responsibility to his young sons is to ensure that they have the tools necessary to earn a living. Once those children are grown, parents don’t have an obligation to support them. Somewhat mitigating this idea is that charity should first be dedicated to those closest to you and only then extending outward. For example, supporting your own orphaned grandchildren would be a priority over endowing an orphanage in another country.

Having said that, most grandparents are delighted to help children, assuming they have the resources. Parents, like all of us, fall into all categories when it comes to giving presents. But gifts are just that—gifts. No one is entitled to expect them. When there is an economic transaction, in general, helping is best done as an open-hearted present, without stipulations and demands.

However, sometimes children need or ask for more than a gift. Rather, they are asking for help. it is parents’ prerogative to tie help to an action. For example, offering to help pay rent while a child finishes a degree only if they think that degree is a useful one.

In both your cases, the question arises of a wife working or increasing her work hours so as not to need as much help. We tremendously appreciate the value of a mother in the house, but we also tremendously value the idea of a couple working together to make ends meet.

Getting married and having a family are adult decisions and we agree that being economically dependent on parents can keep a couple from maturing. That lack of maturity can damage their relationship. We are not fans of a couple marrying with the expectation that their economic nut is their parents’ responsibility rather than their own.

The decision as to how to deal with an unexpected situation, as in your two examples, is very much one a couple has to make. If parents offer help on the condition that the mother increases her work hours, the children must decide whether to accept that deal or not. They can explain their decision to their parents, but their only option is to accept or decline. In both cases, they owe respect to their parents, and their behavior needs to reflect that.

While your question relates to economics, it also touches on parental opinions. Part of being a grown up is being able to hear that your mother or mother-in-law recommends day care (or thinks that pacifiers are bad, or is an ardent advocate of public schools, or, or, or….) while keeping a smile on your face, thanking her for sharing her views, and doing what you know is best for your family. Similarly, daughters and daughters-in-law will make decisions that their parents see as mistakes. Those parents need to practice staying quiet unless asked for guidance.

Monetary involvement complicates things, but learning to navigate the relationship with adult children is a dance that takes place whether or not money is in the picture.

Stay solvent,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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