Son with Aspergers

Hello Rabbi Daniel and Susan,

I would like your advice for raising our 7-year-old son who specialists labelled – Autistic. Thankfully, he is on the Asperger’s end of the spectrum and is really intelligent. He just lacks social skills and controlling his emotions.

I remember in a Susan’s Musing about how medical professionals are quick to label boys with ADHD, ADD and all it come down to is boys are not designed to be a classroom for 6 hours a day watching a TV screen and a whiteboard next to a teacher. All the teachers and psychologist are pushing us for our boy to take medication to make him calm and focused.

The last psychologist recommended a wrong drug used for Epilepsy which I found out from another 2nd opinion psychologist in which he didn’t need nor was it the right prescription. We stopped it after 10 days because it was having side affects on him. Me and my wife are anti-drugs especially mind-altering types. My trust in medical profession is low as I understand that there is always a financial incentive to use a certain drug which benefits the doctors and does little for the patient plus this latest incident with the wrong drug.

Is there any advice you could share on how you would approach this situation for me and my wife. We are currently homeschooling him as no normal school wants to take him and the special schools are for the lower end of spectrum which we feel our boy is not suited for. We want the best environment for him to gain the skills to become a full functioning male in society. Me and Ewelina appreciate your time and effort to reply.

Thank you,

Raymond & Ewelina Sanchez

Dear Ewelina and Raymond,

As challenging as this situation may be, you have an advantage over many other parents who only find out that they have been on the wrong path after years of following “experts,” and often damaging advice. It sounds to us like your instincts are functioning well and will guide you to distinguish between practices that may be helpful and those that are misguided.

Here is one piece of reassuring news. There is no need to act hastily. While providing a healthy home environment, you have time to explore options. Helping your son control his emotions and develop social skills is not a crisis situation, but rather a multi-year journey, as it is for all parents.

The internet can be both your friend and your foe. Your friend, because you can access other parents in similar situations who will offer suggestions and ideas to pursue. Your foe because, not only will some parents have terrible ideas, but you can also be targeted by those looking to take advantage of your love for your son and manipulate you into spending money on their products. Knowing that there is nothing that you must do “within 48 hours” or “before this offer ends” will keep you on the right track.

We would recommend working with the child rather than with the diagnosis. Make small rather than radical changes and see what works. Seven-year-old boys are not the picture of maturity; focus on areas where your son is noticeably different from a typical boy of that age and set reasonable goals as to what you can do. Be detectives —what sets your son off? Do certain behaviors follow specific foods or activities? Work with his natural rhythms and strengths. In other words, as you get a better picture of what resources are available that may be truly helpful, keep a close eye on your specific situation.

We strongly recommend Dr. Leonard Sax’s books on raising boys. You might start by reading this article he authored, and listening to this interview.

In the next few weeks, our We Happy Warrior community is excited about bringing aboard Rebecca (Lapin) Masinter. Rebecca is a homeschooling mom of 6, an experienced teacher and curriculum coordinator for various schools, and a tremendous source of parenting wisdom. We think you will find her to be a valuable resource.

Your son is fortunate to have such caring parents,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

---

What do you think? We’d love to hear your thoughts on this Ask the Rabbi & Susan post.
We Happy Warrior members can both read and write comments HERE.

Not a member yet? Ask the Rabbi is a reader-supported publication.
We truly appreciate those of you who sign up for a Basic membership. This lets us know we are providing value to you.

---