We used to share our joys and griefs, wins and losses, with close family and friends. In return, we heard of their delights and sorrows, triumphs and challenges. Barring a large-scale catastrophe such as a depression or war, the ups and downs largely balanced themselves out. A new baby born, a business failure, a 25th wedding celebration, a divorce – our world was full of events and if we were part of a spiritually and emotionally healthy circle, the positives usually outnumbered the negatives.
Fewer of us today are part of a spiritually and emotionally healthy circle. Thanks to technology, we also hear the troubles of people around the world who we have never and most likely never will meet. Negativity bias means that those woes will be reported more frequently and more passionately than the seemingly mundane happy events that slip under the radar.
This partially explains how I found myself listening to a heart-wrenching interview in which the host of the Real Talk with Zuby podcast talked to musician and social media creator, Unkonfined (I don’t know his real name.) Raw pain flowed out of Unkonfined’s words as he spoke of his divorce, instigated by his wife after almost two decades of marriage. He shared his anguish at the suffering of the couple’s young children, his own bewildered state, and his conviction that he would never let himself be so vulnerable again. Mentioning his parents’ 46+ years of marriage, he questioned whether even if they loved each other, perhaps it was too much to ask a couple to be truly joyous after so much time together. Unkonfined is asking himself whether two people should even think it desirable to be together for a lifetime, or if that means settling for complacency and the status quo.
I am a fan of Zuby’s podcast. With my encouragement, my husband invited him as a guest on the Rabbi Daniel Lapin Show about two months ago. It was a fascinating interview. Zuby himself is newly entering the league of married men. So, I listened carefully as he explained why he felt it is important to share the heartache of marriages gone bad, bemoaning that people often suffer alone, especially in religious Christian communities that frown on divorce. (The same analysis could apply to religious Jewish communities.) Pretending that marriage always leads to ‘happily ever after’ does a disservice to couples who are blindsided by struggle.
I found myself wanting to reach out to comfort both men, one currently in turmoil and the other surely stepping a little less optimistically into what should be his new, joyous state. But what would I say?
I would tell Unkonfined that while his emotions are exposed and his feelings are understandable today, his sharing them openly on mass media is a double-edged sword. Yes, others in similar situations will find comfort in feeling less alone. But some – too many – may grab onto his words as proof that they should not put in the work to find a partner and build a marriage and then a family. By his own admission, his children are the most important part of his life. With his words, could he be robbing someone of similar treasure even if accompanied by pain? In the depths of his core he believes that he won’t accept love again, and maybe he won’t – yet anyone who has lived for a while on this earth knows that strongly felt emotions can and do change. Could he be causing young husbands, or men contemplating making that leap, to share a little less of themselves with their beloved or to commit a little less, initiating a vicious cycle that in itself will lead to a poor outcome?
As for his hesitations as to whether his parents might not be blissfully happy in what he describes as a loving relationship, I would say this: Yes, there is something exciting and invigorating about a new relationship that is hard to match after a span of time. Just as we cannot recreate the thrill of our first ever bite of a delicious dessert or recapture the wonder of the first baby we see born or the excitement of our first airplane ride, there is a uniqueness to firsts that, by definition, is special. Yet, there is much joy in the stability and security of a long-time marriage, ideally punctuated by new – shared – thrills.
This leads me to what I want to say to Zuby. I understand why this conversation was important. However, it came at the wrong time in your life. For your own sake at this point of your development, as well as for your listeners’ sake, please balance Unkonfined’s interview with bringing on your parents or other couples whose marriages have stood the test of time. Being human, all these couples went through difficult times together — they may even have contemplated divorce. Yet, they persevered. Way too few young people have any idea of the rewards of staying the course. A society consumed with instant gratification has little patience or experience of hearing, “Yes, we went through a few rough years, but I am so grateful that we didn’t give up.”
I hear Unkonfined’s pain. Yet, in some ways I think that today’s culture breeds unhappiness no matter what one’s situation. Singles, marrieds…what group can claim happiness today? Instead, happiness needs to be a personal commitment of each individual despite, rather than due to, life’s circumstances. Training for that outcome is sorely missing.
The podcast with Unkonfined made for difficult listening. His experience is real and, sadly, not singular. In a world of fewer marriages as well as too many failed ones, providing not only tools for success but examples of the rewards of marriage needs to be disseminated through the world even more than the eye-catching tragic stories. “Happily ever after” (with no bumps in the road) may be a myth, but “unhappily ever after” is just as dangerous a myth. Without a belief in the crucial importance of marriage and family and the benefits and joys they bring, we cannot begin to change the tide.
I would be remiss not to mention that our Lasting Love Set and its individual components are going on sale next week. I have asked our team to mark the prices down immediately so anyone reading this Musing who would like to access some of these useful resources for themselves or others, can do so at a reduced price.
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