Searching for Unhappiness

One of the great pleasures of visiting our son and his family as we did for the first five days of Chanuka is knowing that his library will include many titles that I want to read. When I saw Dr. Theodore Dalrymple’s short book, Admirable Evasions: How Psychology Undermines Morality on his bookshelf, I immediately borrowed it. A psychiatrist practicing in England for many years, Dr. Dalrymple is a pseudonym, a precaution I assume at least partially undertaken because he is refreshingly blunt in his observations, often putting him at odds with his peers and official government pronouncements.

This book, like most of his writing, leaves me both humbled and enlightened. Humbled because his writings are strewn with Shakespearean references that I don’t recognize, including the title of the book I am describing. Enlightened because his words, frequently deceptively simple, make me think. I’d like to share one of his observations with you.

In a discussion about the lack of scientific basis for ascribing depression to a lack of serotonin or any other chemical imbalance popularly blamed at the moment, Dr. Dalrymple points out that the word ‘unhappy’ has largely disappeared from our vocabulary. Depression today often implies something that needs to be fixed chemically using a doctor’s help. Unhappiness suggests a more normative feeling. It is part of living a human life and, if it persists, the solution usually requires proactive behavior on the individual’s part, rather than a prescription. While the term depression in a clinical sense may be accurate in some cases, it is an ‘admirable evasion’ not to recognize that it is nowhere as common as it is labeled.

Dr. Dalrymple explains that in diagnosing depression, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders put out by the American Psychiatric Association, advises psychiatrists to ignore a patient’s life circumstances with one exception. That exception is showing ‘depressive symptoms’ within two weeks of a bereavement. Two weeks? Really? Only two weeks? Limited only to losing a loved one?

In its most charitable interpretation, that reveals a complete lack of comprehension of human nature. (A less charitable interpretation would include foolishness, corruption and avarice.) In our book, The Holistic You, my husband and I point out that an old-time neighborhood doctor might have recommended that a lonely senior get a pet or join a community group while today’s physician is more likely to prescribe pills. Using Dr. Dalrymple’s observation, our doctor from a previous generation would have recognized unhappiness while the newly minted doctor would find depression. Feeling down after losing a job or missing out on a promotion, being sad because the classmate one likes invited someone else to the prom, and finding one’s day lacking energy after completing a prolonged arduous and fulfilling commitment—all of these would have been recognized as reasons for a temporary bout of unhappiness, requiring no visit to a therapist or psychiatrist and certainly no mind-altering substance. How empty one’s picture of life is not to recognize how many factors play into our moods and how one aspect of maturity is learning to cope with disappointments and troubles.

We can only recognize unhappiness when we are familiar with happiness. Perhaps one reason for replacing the word unhappiness with depression in a society that constantly assaults us with reasons for discontent, is a growing lack of recognition of the many reasons we have for happiness. What should be our default condition has become a rare sentiment.

There was another reason that this section of the book caught my attention. How shallow an attachment must have been for two weeks of mourning to suffice after a bereavement. Yes, we need to pick ourselves up and resume life, but grief comes in waves, often hitting heavily on random or meaningful days long after the shock of the event has passed.

We are passing the six-month mark after our beloved daughter Rena’s death. As we did last Chanuka, this year we flew out west to join our son, daughter-in-law, and their children for the opening days of the eight-day holiday. But last year we cut short our trip and flew back home so that I could accompany Rena to an out-of-state chemotherapy session. That period of chemo marked the beginning of our family’s recognition that Rena’s physical body was succumbing to her cancer. Not surprisingly, this year’s Chanuka awoke memories and, despite it being a holiday of great joy and celebration, my smiles were mixed with tears. Surrounded by delightful children, grandchildren, and festivities yet finding myself feeling down and having to force myself out of bed in the morning, I did momentarily wonder if I could be—in the parlance of 2024—-depressed. What a blessing to come across Dr. Dalrymple’s book and to recognize what a normal—and passing—sensation it is to be overwhelmed by unhappy feelings while processing the year’s loss.

A dear friend whose husband unexpectedly passed away a few years ago, introduced me to the term STUG—Sudden Temporary Upsurge of Grief. I wish to share it with you in case it can be as helpful to you as it has been to me. Even if psychiatrists don’t officially recognize this fact, grief mimics a wave, gathering strength, cresting, breaking, and then ebbing away. When we look to the horizon, we don’t know which wave will be gigantic and which wave will peter out. We need not feel guilty for not grieving at what seems to be the “appropriate” time nor do we need to fight grief when it does come calling. What we all should do is to appreciate the blessings we have, brought sharper into focus by sad times.

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