So how do I get married?
Question of the week:
I’m a 37yr old female, my only daughter is almost 18yrs. I’m not married and I would like to meet someone serious enough for marriage.
Most men find independent women intimidating or some want to be taken care of as if they are children rather than taking the position of a provider. I’m very old school and find the whole dating thing difficult especially when most men are only interested in having sex with no intentions to marry.
I left the father of my daughter after realizing that he has no intention of getting employment and he will always depend on me to support him financially. We were together for 17yrs and he has never been employed during all this time.
My question is how to get the right man and how are such men still available?
If you have listened either to my (RDL’s) podcast or to our television show on TCT, you may have heard us say that we don’t see our job as massaging our listeners and viewers with warm butter. The same is true for our responses to those who write to us.
It sounds like you endured nearly twenty years of an unfulfilling relationship. The effects of that don’t end when the relationship ends. We are guessing that this was never a marriage which makes it all a little more understandable though no more pleasant. While your emotions and reaction are to be expected, we suggest that before you look for the right man, or become capable of recognizing him, you need to work on getting yourself psychologically, spiritually and emotionally healthy. In other words, we are suggesting that becoming the right woman is the indispensable first step in finding the right man.
May we ask you to reread your second paragraph above? You may have good reasons to dislike and distrust some men, but if most men are as you describe them, then you are not yet ready to meet a good one. In your worldview, they barely exist.
This is especially important because you have a daughter who is herself not far off from meeting a mate and has been watching you for years and continues to watch you. What a gift you will be giving her in terms of her future relationships if she can see you work on yourself until you have a less jaundiced view of men and marriage.
It is very important to know yourself before you can welcome someone else into your life. Without knowing any more about you than what you wrote to us, we can almost guarantee that you weren’t blameless in your partner’s behavior. While he is responsible for failing the marriage, before you can move on you have to accept that you participated in the failure as well. We can’t tell you what you did wrong or failed to do right, but here are a few possibilities: Did you fall into the trap of treating him like a child? Were you respectful and honoring towards him both privately and in front of your daughter? Were you okay with supporting him when you got married? What was the plan back then? What kept you in the relationship for 17 years and did you seek guidance and advice during that time? Please understand that if your daughter has learned over the years to despise her father and other men, then she too would greatly benefit from guidance.
We understand the desire to be in a wonderful marriage where you can receive the nurturing and affection that you have lacked for so long. The real world, however, doesn’t work like that. You first need to abandon the negative patterns and thoughts that have absorbed you for so long and only then can you open yourself to receiving new ways of thinking and acting that will allow you to build the relationship you so strongly desire.
You articulate your question in terms of “How do I get the right man?” This sounds a lot like someone saying “How do I get a Maserati?” or “How do I get a mansion?” There are important differences between mansions and Maseratis on the one hand and men on the other. While mansions and motor cars are passive objects and can thus be ‘gotten’, men are not objects and have a say in whether they are ‘gotten’. Furthermore, most men actually prefer to do the getting than to be ‘gotten’.
So it might be worth exploring how comfortable you are with rephrasing your question from “How do I get the right man” to “How do I attract the right man?”
We advise you to find a faith family where you see models of the type of marriage you want to have. Slowly and carefully pay attention to the way the men and women interact. Once you have taken the time to make sure you trust the community, see if the leadership can guide you to counseling. Be a giver in the community and work to develop friendships with those who can be models for you.
Wishing you exciting and transformational times that will lead to a blessed marriage with the right man.
Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin
20% Discount – Biblical Blueprint Set
This week our Biblical Blueprints Set is 20% off. These five CDs cover topics including how our speech affects our business lives and social relationships; whether the Ten Commandments have a deeper meaning than most of us realize; why we need to decide whether to relate to time in the way of Israel or of Greece; how to rid our souls of psychological baggage; and what steps we can take to break out of our troubles. Available as a 5-CD Set or as Instant Downloads.
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