My Wife, the Surgeon

Hello!

I am a Christian Mechanical Engineering student who is considering marrying a girl my age (mid 20s) who’s in pre-med and wanting to go into some specialization of surgery. I have listened to your podcasts for years, and I finally have a question of my own, that I pray you would be willing to shine some wisdom on.

This girl checks all the mandatory boxes for what I’m looking for in a partner. She has an active personal relationship with God, is hardworking, and is graceful, beautiful, and nurturing. However, something that is vitally important to me is having a tight family, one where the parents are involved and intentionally active in the children’s lives. However, the careers we’ve chosen are very demanding, hers even more than mine, and I’m not sure how we’d both raise this kind of family.

We both want kids, but I don’t think she sees the practical implications of what that would look like for us. She still has to finish med school, then residency, and other further education of maybe another 10+ years. She truly is brilliant and is passionate about her studies. I can’t see her doing anything besides being a surgeon, professionally speaking, because she’s so gifted.

I don’t know whether we should just marry and figure it out as we go, or to consider that we may be incompatible. Any advice or guidance you may have for our situation will be extremely appreciated. No need to sugarcoat or “massage me with warm butter”, I appreciate blunt truth, which is something I greatly appreciate about your teachings.

Thank you for the many years of wisdom you’ve already poured into us happy warriors. I pray for your health and protection to keep fighting the good fight for many years to come!

Sincerely,

Chris W.

Dear Chris,

Thank you for your kind words and your blessing. We are glad that you aren’t seeking that notorious ‘feel-good’ massage from us because we have very little warm butter on hand.

Had you written to us a year ago to say that your brother, or pastor, or best friend wanted to introduce you to this young lady, we would have suggested giving it a pass. The potential hazards are huge. However, since you are at the point of considering marriage, this is no longer a hypothetical but rather an existing relationship.

We find it interesting that you say that she doesn’t see the implications of her career choice on marriage and family. That suggests that you do. Unfortunately, much of our society flat out lies to teenage girls and to women in their twenties. For example, a few years back, New York City refused to allow ads on their buses that presented the factual data that female fertility starts declining in a woman’s late twenties.

There are three possible paths we see that you can follow. The first is to unilaterally decide that this won’t work for you. The second is for you to decide that, as you said, “you will figure it out as you go,” and the third is for the two of you to embark on research to see what life would look like.

We strongly warn you against the second choice. Putting your head in the sand is worthy of an ostrich, not a human being created in the image of God. The first choice is one that only you can make. Since she did not hide her ambitions from you, this would include acknowledging that you should have realized that this wasn’t the path on which you wanted to go before anyone’s emotions were involved. You would owe her an apology for not thinking things through earlier and would need to accept ownership for the pain you are causing both her and you. Nonetheless, you are both young and we all make mistakes—you might decide that this is a necessary evil.

The third option would be to fill in as much of a picture as you can by asking hard questions and seeking as many people as you can who are ten and twenty years (not just one or two!) ahead of you down this path. Does she see postponing having children until after she has finished her residency, or does she picture herself pregnant and with a newborn during medical school or residency? What is her view of herself as a wife when the path she is on demands almost complete absorption? What is your picture of being a husband during those years? If there is a baby, who is going to be with it? Is there a relative who will be the stand-in mother or is day care an option or a live-in nanny? Does she think you might stay home and be a full-time father? Do you? And, just as urgent, if she gets a residency in another state while you have a job where you are presently, what do each of you envision happening? Be real and get into the nitty gritty, down to visiting a few day care facilities and crunching the numbers of student debt you will be accruing.

Here is a twist on the above. If possible, we suggest that each of you initially explores these questions on your own. If, for example, this young lady decides that she will give up on her dream because she loves you, or alternatively, if you decide that you will change your plans because you love her, that could be a recipe for resentment down the road. As individuals, you need to decide what is important to you. If your conclusions mesh, then you can work on a plan for avoiding the pitfalls.

Chris, both of you should check into unpleasant realities like divorce rates for medical students, residents, and newly minted doctors; the number of women who, after devoting years to becoming professionals want to work part-time only (remember that debt we mentioned above?); and the increasing dissatisfaction that current doctors, both male and female, are feeling with their profession. Look at health outcomes for babies in day care. This is not the time for rose-colored glasses. Navigating this path will mean fighting currents all along the way.

We know that we sound negative, but you did ask us to be blunt. Here is one more factor. No woman can say decisively that she knows that she will be all right leaving her baby in someone else’s care. That is one of those things that you just cannot know until you are in the situation. Too many women are in tears every day that they walk out the door (remember that debt we mentioned above?). Too many children do not have an adult dedicated to their well-being.

One additional thought. You wrote, “I can’t see her doing anything besides being a surgeon, professionally speaking, because she’s so gifted.” Please sit down together and read our book The Holistic You: Integrating Family, Faith, Finances, Fitness and Friendship. We stress that each decision we make in our lives has ramifications in all five areas of our lives. The fact that this medical student is gifted in so many ways means that even were she not to become a doctor, she would still be an asset to your marriage, your children, your community, and the world at large in many ways. She does not have to be a surgeon to fulfill her potential. It is a tremendous insult to many brilliant, gifted women to suggest that women can only find fulfillment through a career.

Finally, Chris, and again no warm butter here, if she indeed becomes a successful specialist surgeon, and she is financially ambitious, she will significantly outearn you. Based on projected earning figures for surgeons and mechanical engineers taken from national statistics, she may earn as much as three times your salary. At that point, your marriage slides onto the section of the scale where chances of survival become minimal. You’ve heard me talking about this on the podcast; most marriages in which the wife substantially outearns the husband do not last long.

Perhaps after looking more deeply into this, your young lady will think about choosing a variation on the road that she is on. Or, perhaps, she has a calling for medicine and is willing to make whatever sacrifices are necessary for her original idea to play out. You then need to decide if you also want to sacrifice for this goal and if the two of you have the maturity and the commitment to stay faithful to God and to each other as you pursue this path.

You have some deep thinking to do and some tough decisions to make.

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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