I can honestly say I have a very good wife and she is the love of my life, However I feel she’s too tough on me from time to time and sometimes I’m pretty darn sure she’s downright wrong.
I just can’t shake the fact that, had it not been for my shortcomings and being a disappointment for so long over and over, she would jump at the chance and the thought of following me. I’m just so disappointed over and over again.
LR
Dear LR,
We can think of many men who would be thrilled to be married to a good wife who is the love of their lives. Gratitude for that blessing should be front and center in your life.
Is it possible that you have a misunderstanding of what it means to be the spiritual head of the household? In Genesis 2, woman is created to join a man in marriage and be an “ezer k’negdo” – a helper opposite him. Why not a helper by his side?
Help can come in different forms. If you are digging a ditch and another man comes and digs with you, the job will be quicker and easier. There are many times that a wife serves that purpose and a couple work side-by-side to achieve a goal, but that isn’t her highest calling.
Her special talent is to be a helper by being different from her husband – yes, even opposite him. With her insight and input, she is able to see things he would not see on his own precisely because he and she are different. A wife should not be a ‘yes man.’ Many a business and politician has failed because they are surrounded by acolytes who are reluctant or afraid to critique them and let them know where they are off base. That does not propel a man to do better.
Of course, your wife is sometimes wrong. As are you. Analyzing both your ideas makes the final result stronger. Now, it is possible that she is not offering her suggestions in the wisest way. Ideally, she is first the ‘helper’ and only when you both have that at the front of your minds, does the ‘opposition’ come through.
Perhaps you do need to suggest that you both work – as a team – on improving how you communicate. Your willingness to hear her thoughts rather than seeing them as a challenge to you is the first step towards guiding her to offering her thoughts in a loving and kind spirit.
You do have the responsibility to lead your home. That includes knowing in what areas your wife should take the lead. We recommend taking some time to reassess the idea of marriage and grow in your understanding. You might want to go back to basics with Unit 2 of our Scrolling through Scripture course where we delve in depth into the verse cited above.
Looking to a sunny future,
Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin
Enjoyed this article? Feel free to share it using this link: https://rabbidaniellapin.com/my-wife-always-argues-with-me/
What if the Bible you’ve read for years has layers you’ve never seen?
That’s what students tell us again and again after experiencing Scrolling through Scripture.
When Scripture is studied in its original Hebrew, nothing is random.
Every word. Every letter. Even every pause carries meaning.
What once felt familiar suddenly becomes rich, precise, and alive.
“I liked best getting a more complete translation of the scriptures. I come away appreciating and being even more in awe of God.” ~Wendy W.
👉 Start your FREE lesson today and experience Scrolling through Scripture as it was meant to be read.
LR’s word choices are something to think about. It sounds like he is giving what he thinks is the ‘right answer’ to claim his wife is ‘very good’ and ‘the love of my life…” That can be simply to save face, or can also be delusion. If it is real, then he must still be careful to not get lackadaisical.
These can be external attachments, where he places his value/validation in HER – instead of himself and God. I also detect some self-criticism and even disempowering talk, like he is “not worthy” of her and must continually ‘atone’ or treat her as special or above him. Don’t do that, that is not how you lead. Larry Solomon has a great quote in his book, “a man cannot simultaneously lead and seek approval.”
Man was created in God’s image, and woman in man’s image. That ezer kenegdo, ‘helper opposite’ is also interesting. I like Rabbi’s response, about the woman with you, and having different views, insights, because, well, men and women are different. Your wife is there, and is going to have different views, emotions, thoughts, etc… and that is fine. It doesn’t mean she has to ‘fight’ you to ‘win’ all the time though.
The key point is her mindset, attitude, and words. LR, is she respectful towards you, and honoring you as her man? Does she use shame, insults, guilt, the need to be right, or critical or demeaning talk to ‘get you on board’ with her opinion, and to put you down? Does she treat you as a child, a servant, or an idiot? That is keeping it real.
A good helper has friendship, respect, loyalty, and care. Then a relationship can actually be good for both people. That will show you if she REALLY is a “good wife.” All of us need to continually work on our mind, body, spirit, and our attitude / partnership. Sometimes we just need to be more clear when we talk. Clarity is kindness. Ask for what you want and need, don’t ‘hint’, or ‘suggest’ or ‘infer’… then get mad the other person can’t read your mind.
Pray for wisdom and insight, and don’t neglect talking with men and spending time with them, often in marriage we get isolated from those connections that forge us better; iron sharpens iron my man.