My Son Doesn’t Believe in God

What response can I give my son when he states that he doesn’t believe in God?

Roslyn

Dear Roslyn,

We imagine that this must be a painful question for you to ask. You didn’t specify whether this is an adult son or a younger child, and the answer is different when you are dealing with a young adolescent, a teen on the verge of adulthood, or a full-grown man.

For the younger set, we think it is very important to make sure that parents don’t turn a statement like this into a confrontation. Pre-teens and less mature teens (in some people this phase extends throughout their twenties) will often say statements deliberately to “get your goat.” Other times, they are testing the waters and being provocative rather than deeply philosophical. In these cases, parents absolutely must exhibit more maturity than the child, which is easier said than done.

With younger as well as with older children, validating the individual’s right to make their own decisions about God is necessary. This is something they will do with or without parental permission in any case. Separating from one’s parents has to happen in order to have a relationship with God. Otherwise, one is simply “tagging on” to one’s parents’ relationship.

Nevertheless, there is a difference between talking to a youngster or to an adult. Acknowledging the right for a child to hold his own views doesn’t mean accepting behavior. Parents, for example, can tell a thirteen-year-old that their beliefs are their own but that “In this family we go to church on Sunday.” It is perfectly reasonable to tell a sixteen-year-old that while you appreciate hearing her views, it is not a conversation to have while her eight-year-old brother is around. The parents’ tone of voice should be pleasant but firm while saying these things.

With a self-supporting adult child, parents can express preferences but not mandate behavior. You can be sympathetic to theological struggles while firm in your own convictions. If the child seems open and truly seeking, then a parent can offer support such as help in finding people with whom to speak. However, at that stage of life, the best one can do is to retain an emotional connection with the child, make sure you are presenting a loving vision of God, and pray.

Keep a long-term perspective,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

P.S. We are re-running this question from 2012 as the holiday season can bring up difficult issues such as this one. This question appears in our book Dear Rabbi and Susan: 101 Real-Life Ask the Rabbi Questions.

---

What do you think? We’d love to hear your thoughts on this Ask the Rabbi & Susan post.
We Happy Warrior members can both read and write comments HERE.

Not a member yet? Ask the Rabbi is a reader-supported publication.
We truly appreciate those of you who sign up for a Basic membership. This lets us know we are providing value to you.

---