My Parents Object to My Marrying

I love your teachings and am sorry I have not found them sooner. I could have spared myself so much misery, but that’s neither here nor there.

I am currently dating a man of whom my parents do not approve, simply because he is black. We have been dating for almost 2 years and are considering marriage. I hesitate to talk about the subject because I know that it would cause my parents much grief, disappointment, and further rift in our relationship.

I have read one of your posts regarding honoring your parents, no matter what. Does this apply to racial prejudice, as well?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

In today’s culture where estrangement from parents is sadly encouraged by many, we are delighted that you recognize the importance of your relationship with your own parents. You also sound like someone who values marriage and who is in a serious relationship.

Whenever we discuss parent/child relationships we try to be clear that ‘honoring parents’ is not merely a pretty sentiment but rather it includes a number of very particular behaviors. Marrying the person your parents want you to marry is specifically not one of those. Both man and woman must take full responsibility for entering marriage and this can never happen if the decision to marry is based on a parental directive.

However, although we are not required to take into account our parents’ views on whom we should marry, we are required, as part of honoring our parents, to take into account their views on whom we should not marry.

What it does mean is that shouting matches or insulting your parents about this issue is prohibited. It sounds to us like you are very clear-eyed. Should you indeed marry this man, your responsibility to him will come before any responsibility to your parents. Should they, for example, refuse to allow him to enter their home, we would suggest that you stay away as well.

However, if things are less clearly delineated, let’s say that they invite him over but there is a coldness in the air, we would encourage the two of you to make the effort to stay in touch and keep the relationship viable. Our guess is that as time passes, and especially if and when grandchildren arrive, your parents will mellow. There is, naturally, no guarantee of this.

We would recommend that you carefully get outside advice from someone who knows both this gentleman and your parents to confirm that this is their only objection. You want to make sure that your abhorrence at bigotry isn’t blinding you to any other problems that your parents are possibly seeing that you are not. Perhaps part of honoring parents means giving them the benefit of the doubt. Doing so would open the door to a mutually respectful conversation between you and your parents.

In the final analysis, you must make your decision knowing that there is likely to be a sad side-effect if you move ahead with your plans. But that side-effect is not, in and of itself, a reason not to move forward.

Wishing you joy,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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