My Non-Interview

For many years, my kitchen was a team-centered and noisy workplace. Our seven children started as sous chefs and quickly transitioned to full participants in preparing Shabbat meals for many guests. There was a constant buzz of conversation and music frequently played in the background.

Fast forward to the present and our children are running kitchens of their own, often with their own little sous chefs by their side. My kitchen is a solitary place. While I do sometimes listen to music, I also appreciate the world of podcasts. And what a world it is!

I have my favorites. High on the list is Real Talk with Zuby. After sharing snippets with my husband week after week, I began playing segments for him to hear. My refrain of, “You really have to hear this,” probably got a little tiring. [Never!–RDL] A few weeks ago, during supper after a tiring day when neither of us had the energy to conduct our usual scintillating conversation, we listened together to one of Zuby’s shows. Without coordinating with one another, we each wrote him a fan email that night. My husband’s letter included an invitation to be a guest on his weekly podcast. To our delight, Zuby accepted the invitation.

Our initial thought was that we would both conduct the interview. After all, he was my find! I had so many questions and topics that I wanted to discuss. However, I woke up on the morning of the interview thinking that it would be stronger and more interesting without me. My husband and I had discussed and laid out our questions, so I knew my thoughts would be represented. It didn’t need three people to have that conversation and my being in the mix might hinder the flow.

Why am I telling you this? Back in 2017, I wrote two Musings, one entitled “Behind Every Great Man…” and the second called “The Men Behind Great Women.” As a child of second-wave feminism, when I step into a back seat, I still hear a voice in my head saying, “What if you have to support yourself?” and “Why shouldn’t you get credit for what you do?” It has been a long time since American culture promoted working quietly and contentedly in the background. Social media suggests that even if you have nothing to brag about, you should be flaunting it anyway.

So, while I have no yen to post on Facebook, Instagram, or newer platforms whose names I don’t even know, I will admit to you that I struggled for a few minutes with pulling back. No matter how removed we think ourselves from our environment, it reaches out and grabs us.

The phrases “second fiddle” or “second place” have negative connotations. In contrast, “silent partner” or “behind the scenes” suggest strength. Much of the anti-marriage rhetoric of the past few decades implied that wives who did not have their own careers belonged in the first category. Men who betrayed their marriages through affairs or by replacing the wives of their youth with younger versions, supported that thesis.

The biggest difference between a “second fiddle” or a “silent partner” is the attitude of the fiddler or partner. Recognition and appreciation from the world at large is only needed if it isn’t coming from the most important source. As my husband and I emphasize in our book The Holistic You, this is a two-way street. Women who don’t appreciate the unique contributions of their husbands, claiming that only sharing exactly the same chores and responsibilities leads to happiness, make the same mistake in reverse. Is there a correlation between an expectation of more equity in marriages and a rising divorce rate? Just as importantly, does the idea connect to a dearth of marriages in general?

I heard most of my husband’s interview as it was being taped and am eager to listen to the whole podcast. Were there avenues I might have pursued that my husband didn’t, or might I have phrased something differently? Of course. My presence also might have impeded what I think is a fascinating and fun interview. It should be airing sometime in the next few weeks. Let me know what you think.

---

What do you think? We’d love to hear your thoughts on this Susan’s Musings post.
We Happy Warrior members can both read and write comments HERE.

Not a member yet? Susan’s Musings is a reader-supported publication.
We truly appreciate those of you who sign up for a Basic membership. This lets us know we are providing value to you.

---