My Mother or My Daughter?

Hello! My husband & I are retired. I am torn about where we should live after we sell our home/downsize.

I have a 99-yr old mother who lives 3 hours away, adult children live about 1 hour away. Of these 2 daughters, one has a special needs son; the other is age 37 and plans to conceive soon (God willing). My daughters rely on me for emotional support and one for help raising her 7-yr old very hyperactive son.

I love my grandson and my daughters. My mother’s personality is difficult, and she refuses to accept outside help–let alone assisted living arrangements.

My brother lives near her, but he is getting burned out and his health has been affected, plus he works full-time. What does the Bible indicate about one’s family obligations that would clarify these choices for me?

Thank you for sharing your insights!

Stephanie A.

Dear Stephanie,

You are being torn in so many directions that we have whiplash from reading your letter. While we will lay out some ideas, we do encourage you to talk in person with a pastor or wise friend who might help you think more clearly. Sometimes, we simply cannot do the ‘best’ thing and the second or third best becomes the best by default. You are one human being. You cannot be in three places at once.

Before we respond as best we can to your question, we must note that you initially mention your husband but then continue as if all that follows is all your individual decision. The Biblical reality is that your husband’s views matter a great deal. You seem to assume that you should now move near those who most need your help (you’re just not sure who that is) while he may have reasons for wanting to stay where you are. In the hierarchy of whose views and wishes take priority, for you, he is actually number one.

That a woman’s obligations to her husband come before her obligations to her parents is, for many, a tough pill to swallow. But a moment’s reflection reveals how necessary this principle is for a proper marriage. It is in the Book of Numbers, chapter 30 verses 5-13 that this important principle is articulated. Without immersing ourselves now in all the many details, it explains how a woman’s relationship with her own father changes when she marries. That is captured peripherally in our society today by a woman replacing her father’s name with her husband’s. Now, we should add that naturally this all is contingent on the woman being in a good marriage to a fine and upstanding husband.

However, we will leave your husband to the side for now, as we don’t know anything about him, not even if your daughters are ones you share and whether he also wants to be a large part of their lives, or even whether he has the same relationship with them that you do.

The Fifth Commandment obligates us to honor our parents. There is no corresponding commandment to take care of grown children. This tells us that your mother’s needs come first. It sounds like your brother is doing yeoman’s service. You must be full of gratitude towards him and want to alleviate the burden he has been carrying. Of course, only he can make the decision as to what he can and cannot do. But, if you and your husband can devote some time to caring for your mother, that would be an incredible act of honoring a parent.

While you don’t mention financial considerations, they are part of reality. Does your mother have resources that can be used to perhaps rent a place near her, or travel to her, so that you could be there two weeks out of the month while using your money to relocate closer to your daughters and grandchildren? This would be a legitimate use of her funds.

Realistically, the choice of your mother not accepting outside help or moving to a facility may lie out of her control. She may live and be well till 120, but the odds are that staying in her home without help is a short-term option. Even if you are there, at a certain point most people will need trained help. You don’t mention your own age or that of your brother, but both of you may have limited physical abilities to give full care. What you can provide is companionship and affection and, terribly importantly, supervision of aides.

It sounds like you feel close to your daughters, which is a blessing. We would, however, ask whether one of the biggest forms of help you can give them is to start weaning them toward self-reliance. To help them now no longer to ‘rely’ on your help. They are adults and while they can be grateful and tremendously appreciative of any help you give, they are beyond an age that demands that you take care of them. Devoting yourself to your mother actually provides a role model for them.

To the extent that you can and wish to help with grandchildren, that will be a great source of blessing in your own life. But there is a distinction between making a decision to help and your daughters assuming that is your role.

Once again, Stephanie, there are many particulars with which we are not familiar. We hope this gives a broad outline of different ideas that you should consider.
Wishing health to you and yours,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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