My Kids Won’t Accept My New Husband

Dear Rabbi and Susan,

I thought of writing to you a few times, but I kept on saying to myself that there is nothing you can do, so I put it off but now I am just about at the end of my rope. I am desperate and maybe you can help.

Let me explain. I married my high school boyfriend because I was pregnant with our child. He wasn’t a bad guy, just a teenager really. Neither of us knew what we were doing. We sort of made it work and we had another baby, a little girl. When my son was five and his little sister was three, he took off. I can’t really blame him but that was six years ago, and I’ve not seen or spoken with him since.

I have been a pretty good single parent, and I’d say my children are doing really well. With the help of my parents, I got a nursing degree and have a good job with the local hospital. Then about six months ago, an administrator at the hospital asked me out. I have to tell you that since my divorce, I have done almost no dating as I never wanted to be that divorced mom whose kids see a string of boyfriends coming and going.

To make a long story short, we got married two months ago; he is a wonderful man and ready to be a father to my children. The problem is that I don’t know how I feel about him telling my kids what to do. Every time my husband says anything to my son his angry response is “You’re not my father!” Or “You can’t tell me what to do”.

I hate having to constantly be making peace between my son and my husband, but it only seems to be getting worse. And now his younger sister has picked it up. My kids are always angry at my husband, and he is always angry at them.

Is there no solution? I am desperate.

Diane

Dear Desperate Diane,

Of course there is a solution; and we wish you’d have written to us six months ago. We would have prepared you to anticipate the problem and provided you with the antidote. The cost of having waited is that applying the solution will be a little more painful and take a little longer than a timely fix. But that is true of just about every procrastination, isn’t it?

Before identifying and implementing a solution, we must first see the problems clearly. The first problem is your saying, “I have been a pretty good single parent.” You may well have been an exemplary single mom, but you were not a single parent.

Parenting is, by definition, a two-person job; more specifically, it is a collaborative job for a mother and a father. This is confirmed by the Hebrew word for parents which does not exist in the singular. There is no such thing as a single parent. You did your best; you did as well as any single mother can do. But you were mothering, not parenting your children. Now a good man has entered your life; one willing to help you parent your children.

Instead of making excuses for your children’s father who abandoned you (…” He wasn’t a bad guy…” and “I can’t really blame him…”) start seeing the extraordinary virtues of your husband, a very rare man willing to co-parent another man’s children. Leviticus 19:3 says, “Every man shall fear his mother and his father.” It reverses the order of father and mother that we see in Commandment 5 (Exodus 20:12), to honor father and mother. Ancient Jewish wisdom learns from this that for the family system to work, children also need to see their mothers respect their fathers. It goes without saying that affection between children and mothers is instinctive and common to many species. A relationship between children and fathers needs to be purposefully constructed and nobody plays a more important role in this than mothers.

You see where we’re going with this, don’t you Diane? Your job is not to make peace between your husband and your children; it is to totally support and back up your husband in his attempt to build a family. Of course, the two of you will have discussions about what is right to expect from children, what to emphasize, when you should turn a blind eye… In other words, the types of discussion all good parents have. But these should be out of earshot or physical proximity to your children. As far as they know, you two must be on the same page. You starting to do the right thing now is undoubtedly going to trigger a family firestorm but happily your children are still young enough to make it work. The storm will pass and an era of family fortitude and tranquility can take its place.

You don’t really have a choice. Deuteronomy 21:18 tells us: “If a man has a wayward and rebellious son, who does not obey the voice of his father and the voice of his mother…” Notice that Scripture does not say “…who does not obey the voice of his parents…” This is because the rebellious son is the consequence of his having a father and a mother with entirely different voices. It is crucial that your children start seeing a unified voice from their mother and the man who is willing to be their father. But this must start immediately. Put this into effect today, not tomorrow. Apologize to your husband for not having backed him these past months and express your determination to genuinely parent with him.

The Biblical triangle of family life is that children turn first to mom. Mom should turn first to her husband, and he should turn first to the children. In most animal species mother’s primary commitment is to her offspring. For the unique human family to function, mother’s primary commitment must be to her husband, while his is to their children. Start playing this proper role now.

Remain strong Diane and in the face of intense anger and even fear from your children, remember that your strength is their only hope of having a father for the future. Remember also that an important Biblical rule is that whenever one begins an overdue repair, the initial consequence is increased pain before the eventual relief. This applies to home renovations, dental work, as well as marriage and family.

We think that because of your selfless mothering you have been given a second chance at a happy and fulfilling family life. Don’t squander it.

We can’t wait to hear of your success,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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