My Kids Are Lying!

I own most of the books and audio CDs that you sell on your site. I am reading and listening but haven’t finished yet. I used your audio CD when my young teenagers tried to introduce swearing into their vocabulary. I made them listen to the “Perils of Profanity” and told them every time I hear them swear, they will have to sit and listen to this CD. It’s been over a year now and I have not heard another swear word come out of either of their mouths!

My question is this… do you have a lesson dedicated to lying that I can use in the same way as “Perils of Profanity”? We limit junk food snacks and electronic time in our house but recently they have been sneaking snacks and electronic time without permission and then lying about it.

JoAnn

Dear JoAnn,

Have you heard of a backhanded compliment? We’re not sure whether to be pleased that you appreciated our audio program Perils of Profanity or to be appalled that your children will associate listening to it with being punished. Either way, we are glad that they abandoned the cursing habit.

As an aside, I (Susan) was listening to the Joe Rogan podcast with J.D. Vance and, to my great surprise, the opening segment was joking about cursing. While it didn’t change my vote, I was not happy that both men treated the idea of little children cursing as a joke. In general, I avoid that podcast specifically because of Rogan’s frequent use of profanity, but I assumed that he would control himself speaking to a future vice-president (which he mostly did do).

As far as lying, we do not as of yet have a program on that topic. However, the political climate of the past few years has provided a robust arena for discussions with children. Previously respected entities ranging from newspapers to the Center for Disease Control as well as individuals on both sides of the spectrum promote skepticism and scorn when they opine, rather than attention and respect. What a wonderful opportunity for dialogue with one’s teens on whether they would like their friends, future business associates, eventual spouses and children to have confidence in them or to dismiss what they say as untrustworthy.

Teenagers are old enough to be introduced to the nuanced idea of when it is reasonable to lie. In Genesis 18:12-13 we see Sarah skeptical about the prospect of conceiving on account of her husband’s declining virility. God immediately asks Abraham, “Why did your wife laugh at the prospect of pregnancy on account of her age?”

In order not to cause ill feelings between husband and wife, God Himself lied. Similarly, if a friend asks me for my opinion on a purchase he has already finalized, I am going to follow God’s example and withhold my negative thoughts on his purchase. Ideally, I can do that without lying by mentioning something positive that I can find. But had he truly wanted my honest opinion he’d have asked me prior to the purchase.

The teenage years are an amazing time to make sure that we share our values and the reasoning behind our beliefs with our children. They do not pick these up by osmosis. Unlike the four-year-old who presents a chocolate-smeared mouth while insisting that she didn’t eat a cookie, these older years call less for a reaction and more for an open conversation. Consequences may be necessary, but they are in no way sufficient.

Truthfully speaking,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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