My Husband Bought A Vaping Store

Dear Rabbi and Susan,

A few months ago, my husband was offered a business opportunity to partner with a friend in opening a vaping store. Over my objections, he moved forward.

I am miserable. I think that vaping is unhealthy and that encouraging it may well be immoral. We have 2 children, 10 and 12, and I hate that their father is setting an example that vaping is fine. My husband says, “It’s just business,” and that he can still explain to our kids that this isn’t something they should do. I think that is a futile cause. They are close to their father, and he even takes them to the store sometimes (when it’s closed) when they are out running errands and he needs to drop something off or spend some time there.

I find myself respecting my husband less and I am also hurt that my opinion counts for so little.

I’d appreciate any advice you can give me.

Alyssa W

Dear Alyssa,

We agree with your assessment that what parents say matters much less than what they do. Your children are getting a message that vaping is not a big deal and more-so that it is acceptable.

Leaving aside the particulars of this problem, we do have to ask if this issue represents a change in your marriage or if it is a continuation of a poorly run marriage where you and your husband have never navigated disagreements well.

Do the two of you regularly tend to ignore one another’s opinions? Do you frequently argue and disparage each other? It is hard for us to believe that until now there was a respectful, mature relationship and out of the blue this just ‘happened.’

If we are wrong and that is the case, then we suggest that you put aside your anger and hurt and look deeper. To behave so uncharacteristically, your husband must have had serious reasons. Attacking him will not help you to find out what those are. He may be making a poor decision, but you need to understand what led him to do so. He deserves to know that you and he are on the same team.

More likely, we think, is that the two of you have a stunted marriage based in disharmony. In that case, while we do believe that your children are facing potential harm from your husband’s occupation, they are facing even greater harm by not living in a home where the two most important adults in their lives model loving, respectful, and mature marriage.

If we are correct, then we need to tell you that the store is a symptom, not the disease. Your nagging or unpleasant face when it comes up is not going to change the situation. You may have depleted your disagreeing and arguing quota many years ago to the point that your husband has learned (wrongly, but realistically) to simply shut you out. Can you find examples where you do the same in reverse?

In other words, if our assumption is correct, we urge you to drop opposition to this store and focus on improving your relationship. You and your husband have been behaving wrongly for a long time and as so often happens, your children are the victims.

Instead of blaming each other, we urge you to humbly acknowledge your own flaws and work to change yourself. We are aiming our words to you, because you are the one who reached out for help. If you truly can break bad patterns and establish healthy ones, then after months (months, not days or weeks) of living with a new you, there is every chance that your husband will change as well. At the very least, if you model respect and don’t join in arguments and attacks, the tension in the home will be less. You might even be able to bring up the topic of the store once again.

There is still time for your children to see parents who are committed to building a stable family. Instead of handicapping their odds for growing into adults who know how to navigate healthy relationships, you will be giving them the precious gift of modeling how to constantly grow and change.

Please keep in touch,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

Enjoyed this article? Feel free to share it using this link: https://rabbidaniellapin.com/my-husband-bought-a-vaping-store/

---

---