My best friend of 30 years has confided in me that she is beginning an extra marital affair. Having been cheated on myself and divorced, I am beyond devastated to watch my friend blow up her very blessed life.
She has been married for 30 years to a pastor who loves her deeply, and I greatly love and respect him as a person. I do not know how to respond to my friend through this ordeal. She has rejected the faith in the last several years and has more of a Marxist worldview, having been heavily influenced by her college-age kids, who have all rejected the faith as well.
As a woman of faith myself, who believes strongly in marriage and hates adultery & the damage it brings, what is my responsibility to my friend, and also to her husband? He does not know that his wife is starting an affair. One of her justifications is that it will likely just be for fun, for a season, and her husband never has to know, and also, she thinks that all people who follow any religion are “brainwashed” and not logical.
Lastly, am I obligated to tell my own husband? I don’t want to involve him, and she has of course asked me not to tell a soul. I appreciate any advice you can give me, as I feel alone in handling this.
C.
Dear C.
Wow – What a huge load to be dumped on your plate. It sounds as if this friendship has faced several challenges over the years as your paths diverged, but you have nonetheless stayed faithful to the connection.
It strikes us as revealing that your friend shared what she is planning to do in the future rather than telling you about something she has done. We see that as very important. It definitely impacts on your questions of speaking both to your husband and hers.
Had she told you about having committed adultery, we would say that you should share that with your husband. As a couple, you would then decide if that should precipitate the end of any ongoing relationship with her.
Whether you need to tell her husband would still be a question. Clearly, not only do you not know what goes on in their marriage, but it also sounds as if he should be fully aware that things are not good. However, we don’t see any reason for you to share what is, for now, a thought. If anything, could she be reaching out to you so that you can talk her out of a bad idea?
We encourage you to make a date for coffee or lunch with her. You can make clear that while you care for her, you will not be a sounding board or confidante for any adulterous behavior. You disapprove—end of story, and you are not willing to take an oath of secrecy. Should she tell you of such behavior you would be compelled to share that information with your husband. He, of course, might share it further.
However, at the same time, ask her to look deep into her own self and question why she wants to discuss this with you when she is aware of your background and convictions. You can express your own views that you don’t think adultery is ‘just for fun’ and ask whether she is willing to face the potential consequences. Secrets have a way of being outed.
It is painful when people we are close to move onto a bad path. Whether this is in the form of an addiction, such as alcohol, or adopting wrong ideologies, their actions threaten the relationship. While still caring for them, sometimes it reaches the point that the care can be expressed only in praying for them. Other times, being a source of solidity can help our loved one get back on the right track. We urge you to give the second option a try, in full awareness that the first option may be necessary.
Stay strong,
Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin
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