My Children Don’t Know

Hi Rabbi Lapin and Susan,

I find myself in an increasingly uncomfortable position of living with the father of my two kids but not being married.

Before kids, I cancelled the wedding as I wasn’t sure but didn’t have the heart or courage to break it off. He stayed with me and after a couple of months, I was pregnant.

I have always had a strong belief in marriage and tradition, My children are in a religiously-based school and I find myself living a lie in a way. I feel like I’ve let myself and everyone down and I dread the day that I need to tell my children that their father and I are not married.

My partner doesn’t share the same strong belief as I do and since our relationship is not a strong one, he doesn’t want to marry (I am also not sure what I want). We are basically existing together, neither of us willing to take a step towards marriage or split or anything. It’s a shame.

I feel guilty and terrible that this is my status… Unmarried with children, living with my partner. It makes me mad that people know it and judge me too.

I am worried that this bad choice will affect the future prospects of my kids.

I guess I need some guidance and wisdom to help me with this and find a way of feeling better about myself.

Thanks,

Mindy

Dear Mindy.

We need to offer you some tough love. Feeling better about yourself is not the goal. Inflating your self-esteem won’t change the reality of your situation. Feeling good about mistakes that one has made is not a path forward to growth and progress.

You did something very right in the past – you did not abort your children and deprive them of life. You did something very wrong – you did not provide those children with the security and advantages of being born into a married household led by two people devoted to each other.

You cannot change the past. You say that you didn’t have “the heart or courage to break it off,” once you called off the wedding, but the question for today is whether you can develop the heart and courage to do the right thing now.

In a way you have exactly what you arranged. You cancelled your wedding, and you didn’t move out and onwards. Your partner is doing now exactly what your actions told him you wanted. Your letter is full of “I” and not “we.” You don’t even mention if your boyfriend is a good father or what he thinks of your relationship. Your focus is on yourself. Even your worries about your children’s futures seem to be more about how you will feel rather than about them.

This is a current trend, incidentally. We live in a world where adults getting what they want takes priority over taking care of vulnerable children. Way too much in our culture is about “me.” This is something you should become aware of and to which you need to actively receive counter-messaging.

Both for the sake of the children and for the sake of the years of your life that you have invested in this relationship such as it is, you should set a time to try and build the relationship into something solidly meaningful resulting in marriage. To do this, you need allies. Can you enlist help in bringing about a new relationship between you and your partner? Be aware that there are many therapists whose goal will be your self-fulfillment, not doing what’s best for the children. Many clergy are not qualified to deal with complex situations. Finding allies is a dedicated process. Is there something you can build on? What can you change on your own to provide a stronger home for your children even if your partner is happy with the status quo.

In all honesty, this is a situation largely of your making; but we think you already recognize this. So, your initiative is called for in starting to try to find a resolution. Waste no time trying to find a way to feel better about your past. You should feel bad about that—anything else is unrealistic and untrue. Allow those bad and sad feelings to serve as a fuel to propel you into actions that you have tended to avoid in the past. By acting differently, you will feel better about yourself.

With every blessing,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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