Motherhood Is Not a Horror Film

Carrie. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Halloween. The Exorcist. Dawn of the Dead. Rosemary’s Baby. These are only a few of the movies which I have never seen and have no desire to see. Suffice it to say, horror is not my genre of choice.

Still, many people are drawn to horror movies, so when I read that there is a growing field of ‘motherhood nightmare genre’ in literature and film, I paid attention.

I’m not sure if the phrase is somewhat tongue-in-cheek or if these artistic ventures delve into the psychotic and paranormal, but the overall theme is that terrible things ensue when a woman gets pregnant and has a baby.

Coupled with growing demands that the government fund or mandate payment for fertility treatments, extensive paid maternity/paternity leave, and childcare, the overarching feeling is one of the high cost of having children, financially, physically, and psychologically. While not yet officially in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), there is even a handy label— ‘Depleted Mother Syndrome’ that one can self-diagnose. What a terrible affliction children are!

The now decades-old message that men are an unnecessary tribulation and that if only women were dominant we’d be living in a utopia, has not aged well. It has produced bitter and angry women and men raised in a failed social experiment that nonetheless continues. Having stipulated that men are not necessary for family life or having children, we are now “advancing” on the idea that children themselves are not necessary or at all beneficial.

I gave birth at a time when the mantra was, “Pregnancy and childbirth are not illnesses. They are natural occurrences.” The trend was away from labor and delivery rooms and towards homey birthing suites. Non-medicated deliveries were promoted over the idea of automatic procedures. Regular doctor visits tracked blood pressure and the baby’s heartbeat and growth, but ultrasounds were only available for a suspected problem. The default assumption was that all was progressing as normal.

Today, many mothers are not only secondary, but perhaps tertiary participants in pregnancy. The ability for apps to track every day’s development turns the expectant mother into a prized consumer; her health and that of the baby is less important than what she can be motivated (often by fear) to buy. Technology encourages her to be obsessed with herself. Her doctor’s fear of a lawsuit along with Dr. Google’s tendency to show every possible negative outcome send her into nine months of anxiety.

The handwringing only intensifies once the baby arrives. Instead of normal exhaustion and adjustment, her mental health and the baby’s physical safety are both assumed to be at great risk. Having been raised in a society that eroded family and friendship ties, the life she has chosen often leaves her with little personal support. No wonder there is a new horror genre!

The author in an article that made me aware of these upcoming movies wrote, “Almost all mothers have some degree of a hard time with motherhood because they are left with the task of mothering on their own and are thus denied necessary support.” I do not agree!

For decades, we have told women to be “girl bosses,” that they can do anything, that they are empowered. Yet, when it comes to motherhood, they suddenly are passive and powerless beings. Read that italicized sentence again and notice the unassertive language: they are left…thus denied. Where is their vaunted agency?

Instead, I posit that the life choices they actively made left them isolated and ill-prepared for welcoming motherhood.

Romanticizing having children as a rosy lark is ingenuous. Like anything that is worthwhile, it takes effort, work, fatigue, and includes moments of being overwhelmed. Like anything worthwhile, being prepared makes it easier to achieve success.

And like anything in the real world, sometimes things will go wrong, and some people will need extra attention and support. However, portraying pregnancy and motherhood as a miserable, scary, and doomed effort turns the fleeting negativities and occasional serious problems into the norm. What a disservice we are doing if that is the road our culture chooses to promote.

P.S. For more reflections on marriage, motherhood, and family, check out my Substack column.

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