Meaningful Conversations

A little while ago, while watching one of our daughters reading a book to her child who was sitting snuggled up to her on the couch, I observed something momentous that is vitally useful in a practical way for every Happy Warrior, for any parent and for any business professional.

What I couldn’t help noticing was that the child suddenly interrupted the story with a question that had nothing whatsoever to do with the book they were reading. That out-of-the-blue question could have been immensely irritating so I was curious to see what our daughter would do. She gently closed the book and put it down on the couch. Turning her thousand-watt smile to her little one, she began to answer the question. She spoke for only a few moments before pausing and then posing a relevant question back to her child. This turned into a long conversation about the concern that clearly underlay the child’s original question. For fear of disturbing this amazing mother/child discussion, I made myself scarce.

The observation which took my breath away was that, had our daughter walked in the door and asked her offspring, “Anything on your mind?” or “Anything you want to talk to me about?” the response would undoubtedly have been a shrug of the shoulders. Nothing. Exactly what happens when you ask your child, “So, what happened at school today”? At that point, Mom might walk off to get supper ready, confident that she, “was there for her children,” and that, “my children know they can always talk to me about anything.” After all, she was available to talk.

I know beyond a shadow of doubt that, had our daughter instead of settling down to read aloud from a favorite book, walked in and said, “Anything you want to ask me?” the result would have been silence. That is also why some of the most productive business meetings occur over a restaurant table or on a golf course. Often good parent child conversations happen with the parent driving and the child sitting “shotgun”. A separate parallel activity serves to camouflage some of the awkwardness that can attend meaningful conversations of consequence.

To allow these conversations to occur organically, whether in Family or Finance (to use the 5F nomenclature from our book, The Holistic You), you have to first care enough to spend some time on it. I don’t want to have a heavy conversation with you, I want to play a round of golf with you. I want to share a nice meal together. I want to read aloud to you from your favorite book. Once the other person, whether adult or child, feels comfortable basking in the warmth of your human caring, all kinds of magic can happen.

The reason I was so excited by watching our daughter interact with her child so devotedly was that I was very familiar with this principle in the abstract as part of ancient Jewish wisdom. May I explain?

[Your duty is] to share your bread with the hungry… (Isaiah 58:7)

Pretty straightforward, I’d say. I get it. So why mention our obligation to the hungry again only 3 verses later?

[And if you] grant your soul to the hungry, and you satisfy the tormented soul…. (Isaiah 58:10)

Ancient Jewish wisdom answers this apparent redundant duplication by reminding us that we all comprise not just body but body and soul. We are spiritual creatures as much as we are physical. Verse 7 directs us to take care of the physical needs of those around us, such as those who may be hungry. Happy Warriors already know that throughout the Hebrew Scripture, bread is also a metaphor for money, so this is a broader directive to care for the physical needs of others.

Verse 10, however, is focused on being equally sensitive to the spiritual needs of those around us. Connect spiritually with those around you who are hungry. Let them know you care. How? By spending time with them that is not for physical purposes but spiritual. Clearly, we owe this time to our children and spouses. We also owe it to business associates.

Reading aloud to my child neither puts food in his mouth nor clothing on his back. But it fulfills a spiritual need. Playing a round of golf, or going on a short hike, or noticing a work associate’s interests satisfies no physical need. But, oh, does it ever fill a spiritual one. Inviting someone to share a meal with you, although it involves food, fills so much more than a person’s stomach. It fills his soul.

If you want a meaningful conversation with someone, don’t ask, “Can we get together to talk about something?” Instead, invite them to join you in a separate, parallel activity. The conversation will happen.

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