I am the eldest of three sons, and my mother, now widowed, has designated me as the executor of her will. Her estate includes 13.5 acres of land. According to her plan, she decided to retain one acre for herself, with the remaining acreage to be equally divided among my two younger brothers and me.
I declined the roles of power of attorney (POA) and executorship, believing these responsibilities would be best managed by a neutral third party, such as an attorney, to avoid potential conflicts with my siblings. However, my mother rejected this advice and instead entrusted both roles to my next younger brother. Recently, all three of us, along with our mother, met with the attorney to sign the deeds. At that time, I discovered that my younger brother, who holds the POA, had added his name as a tenant in common with my mother on the one acre she intended to retain solely for herself. This action was done without discussion or prior knowledge. As I feared, this situation has caused a breakdown in relationships between me and my brothers.
There is significant tension and distrust, which has made the already challenging process of managing the estate even more painful. While I come from a Christian background, I deeply respect Jewish teachings on ethics, family dynamics, and justice, and I would appreciate insight on this matter. 1. Under Jewish law, does my younger brother’s action—adding himself as a tenant in common on the acre intended solely for my mother—constitute a breach of ethical or halachic principles, particularly given his role as POA? 2. Given the fractured relationships between my brothers and me, what steps would Jewish law recommend to address this issue in a way that prioritizes justice, respects my mother’s intentions, and helps restore peace and unity within the family?
Dear R.,
It is a truism going back millennia that inheritance issues are a huge source of family hostilities. From Cain and Abel through many families today, the combination of emotionally tinged family dynamics alongside financial matters is a recipe for discontent.
Ancient Jewish wisdom dictates rules for inheritance, but they are only useful if everyone involved agrees to abide by them. We don’t see how these can have any application to your situation. Let’s instead, take a step back and attempt to gain an overview of your situation.
For most parents, and we are going to assume for your mother, harmony within the family is an overarching goal. Ironically, mishandling inheritance issues has the opposite effect. Sometimes well-intentioned parents leave more to a struggling child, yet as the cycle of life turns that child ends up seeing salvation from another direction while a previously successful child is immersed in financial difficulties. “Mommy (or Daddy) always loved you more,” may be a statement that adults seldom verbalize, but it lingers in many adults’ subconscious.
Your suggestion that the executorship and power of attorney should be vested in an outside authority may have been a good one. Unfortunately, you can only make that choice for your own legacy; your mother clearly wanted control to stay in the family. Once you expressed your lack of interest in the position, she moved on to your brother. It does seem as if had you discussed this fully with your mother, you might well have been persuaded to assume the role she wanted for you. She did not want a neutral third party in charge of her affairs.
Clearly, communication has not been all it could have or should have been. Has there long been a lack of connection and communication between the three brothers?
We do not understand any possible legal aspects, based on your short letter. It sounds to us that your mother is still alive (may she live and be well) and has, in advance, given away most of her real estate, while still retaining a small portion for herself. It isn’t clear to us why your brother becoming a tenant in common is anything more than a prudent legal and financial move to avoid the difficulties, such as frozen accounts, that can happen when a sole proprietor passes away. It sounds to us as if you and your youngest brother may be reading treachery into that decision—has it been calmly discussed or is there any possibility that you could be jumping to conclusions? Again, we recommend communication, perhaps under the guidance of a family counselor to facilitate conversation if necessary. Has your brother told you that he intends to keep that extra acre in the long term? Is it possible that your mother has expressed wishes about that?
Here is one more important question. When you chose to turn down the executorship and POA, did you share your reasoning with your brothers? If not, it is more than likely that they are attributing bad motives to your actions. Did you have a sibling conversation on the matter? Or did you assume that your brothers would intuitively understand and agree with your thoughts? Again, we sense a problem area of lack of clear and cordial communication. Giving others the benefit of the doubt is far easier in an environment of connection and communication and the one picture we are getting is that your family is way overdue for some connecting and communicating.
Whether our questions are valid or not, the facts remain that causing your mother pain, which is the inevitable result of siblings at odds with each other, is wrong. Ancient Jewish wisdom teaches the value of cheerfully and wholeheartedly relinquishing your own position or benefit solely for the purpose of peace. It is possible that this may be your only option. However, we urge you to first try open and loving communication. We say again that if this kind of closeness has been absent from your family affairs for years, you would benefit greatly from a competent conversation facilitator helping you all regain connection. Family estrangement, suspicion, and isolation are not part of God’s plan for family.
Wishing you fraternal feelings,
Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin
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