I’m Surrounded By Cynical People

Dear Rabbi and Susan,

Here is my question. I understand that as a general rule, we come to resemble the people with whom we spend time. You’ve often spoken of the importance of choosing friends carefully because of that rule. But what should I do when some of the people I love most—family members or old friends—are cynical, negative, and constantly complaining?

I don’t want to abandon them, but I don’t want to become like them either.

Is there any biblical avenue for me to take? Eagerly awaiting your guidance.

Sincerely,

Edgar C.

Dear Edgar:

You are ahead of the game by recognizing the peril of hanging around negative people. You’d be surprised at how many people don’t even realize how much they are being influenced by negative input.

The first reassurance we offer you is that you have options. You are not limited to only two choices – either remaining close to negative people and allowing their attitudes to infect you or distancing yourself from them and feeling guilty for abandoning people you love. Both those would be painful decisions.

Happily, there is a third way, and many people in your situation find that it is the right one. The very first chapter of the Book of Psalms opens not with a discussion of prayer, ritual, or theology, but with a warning about the people among whom we place ourselves:

“Happy is the man who has not walked in the counsel of the wicked, nor stood in the path of sinners, nor sat in the company of scoffers.” (Psalms 1:1)

Notice the progression: walked, stood, sat. The verse is revealing how damaging relationships come about. At first, we allow ourselves to merely walk alongside certain negative people. Then, later as we become desensitized, we find it easy to stop and stand with them, thus allowing a bond to form. Eventually we sit down and make ourselves at home among them. What we would have rejected initially now doesn’t faze us. We absorb attitudes and ideas almost by osmosis. Think of it as a spiritual virus.

This is particularly true of cynicism. Cynicism masquerades as sophistication. The cynic thinks he understands the world better than the optimist. He knows politicians are all crooks, businessmen are all greedy, marriages all deteriorate, children are all ungrateful, and the country is going to ruin. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, the cynic is the person who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.

If you spend enough time around that worldview, eventually it starts sounding not so much pessimistic, but realistic. It starts to “make sense” to you. Pretty soon that attitude makes the jump from outside of you to inside you.

So, we greatly commend your instinct to protect yourself. Fortunately, protecting yourself does not require abandoning people you love. You can love somebody without granting him unlimited access to your mind. You can associate with someone without giving him a key to your soul.

This is an important distinction. Love and connection are obligations of the heart; but influence is a privilege that only you grant. Suppose your brother calls you regularly but spends far too long complaining about his employer, his wife, the government, and the stupidity of everyone around him. In this scenario, you don’t necessarily need to stop speaking with your brother, you simply need to change the rules of the conversation.

If possible, you can be proactive. When the complaining begins, say something like, “Yes, that sounds difficult. So, what are you going to do about it?”

That question is really powerful because complaining thrives on helplessness. It even feeds his victimhood habit. However, imposing responsibility kills it.

Alternatively, you might ask, “Tell me one thing that went well for you this week?” You are not lecturing him about gratitude. You are redirecting the conversation toward agency and possibility. You are doing him a colossal favor.

Sometimes you have little choice but simply to shorten the encounter. There is nothing virtuous about spending three hours absorbing poison when thirty affectionate minutes would preserve the relationship as well as be better for everyone’s souls.

At the same time, deliberately seek out people who strengthen the qualities you want to develop. Don’t merely subtract negative relationships. Add positive ones.

Find and befriend people who are building businesses, strengthening marriages, raising families, deepening faith, improving their health, and pursuing worthwhile ambitions. You need people in your life who make you slightly embarrassed by your excuses and slightly excited about your possibilities. Remember, you are your own most important student.

And here is our final warning: Be careful not to become cynical about cynics. It is remarkably easy to congratulate ourselves for being more positive, more disciplined, or more spiritually mature than our difficult relatives. We all do it. But that only substitutes arrogance for pessimism.

Instead, think of your responsibility this way: Love them generously. Listen selectively. Influence where you can. Withdraw when you must. And choose your closest companions with enormous care.

There are certain people in our lives to whom we ought to behave lovingly. But we owe nobody influence over our souls.

In joy and hope,

Rabbi Daniel & Susan Lapin

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