I’m Out of Work

Dear Rabbi and Susan,

I got engaged last year to a beautiful lady [about 4 years older than me]. [She was married at 19 and] long story short, she was abused for 10 years and encouraged by the church to stay with her husband, being told that he only had affairs because she wasn’t doing enough for him.

We reconnected four years ago after her divorce was completed. Since then, I have been very involved in her life, as well as the lives of her three children 10, 8, and 6.

I work as a building contractor. Last December, the company I worked for lost their contract, and I was told there was no work. With that suddenly happening the month I got engaged, I was left with no option but to jump-start my dream and began working for myself, doing small building jobs for people until I can come up with the money to buy my first property to flip, hoping to one day develop housing estates and other residential developments.

So I started the journey in January, my first job being that of my future in-laws’ exterior home renovation. That ended, and I found another small job. That client ran out of money in June, and I have been sitting at home ever since.

I have depleted all of my savings. I have searched for work high and low. I am constantly promised opportunities that never come to be. I have even returned to my first employer and asked for work, only to spend days quoting on jobs just to never hear back from them. I take your advice very seriously, noting that South Africa is a different place, as you know. It is extremely difficult to find work here, and when opportunities do arise, the pay is often insufficient to make ends meet. While I have managed to support myself reasonably well in the past, I now find myself in a relationship where I feel responsible not only for my fiancée but also for her three children, especially since their father has not been fulfilling his financial obligations.

I deeply resonate with your teachings about the roles of men and women in a household, and the importance of a man’s ability to provide. In the last three months, I have felt as though my fiancée and I have switched roles, with her taking on a greater burden as the primary provider while I struggle to find work. This has left me feeling disheartened and inadequate. Some days, we are without electricity or food, and I can see how this affects her perception of me. She is a dedicated English teacher who works hard to ensure that we have what we need.

I would be grateful for your advice on whether I should consider changing my career path after seven years and look for other means of earning an income. Is there anything more I can do to compensate for the fact that I am not currently able to provide? I will continue to search for work every day, but I wonder if I should also be asking Hashem for job opportunities and financial stability.

I feel as though I have failed—not only in providing for my family but also in my personal goals, including our inability to plan a wedding due to our financial situation. My motivation has diminished, and I have let my fitness and overall well-being decline.

Kind regards,

I.M.

Dear I.M.,

There is a lot to unpack in your letter. You sound like a good and decent man trying to do the right thing. It is unclear to us from your letter whether you have made a crucial mistake. You write at the end that you have failed in providing for your family – yet if you aren’t married, then you don’t have a family that includes a wife and three children. We hope that you are not living as a family, because that would complicate the situation.

We are going to be very blunt. You and your fiancée are not the most important people in this circle. The three children, who have clearly already lived through difficult times, are. Their mother should be working hard to ensure that they have what they need – not that you have what you need. Her priority is, and should be, her children.

Leaving that aside for a moment, you recognize that your difficulty in getting work in your field is, not surprisingly, damaging your Fitness and your Faith (in yourself). To which we say: get a job today. No matter how you do it, start earning money. Admittedly, we aren’t familiar with the current job market in S. Africa, but you need to leave the house every morning and do something for which you will be paid. It does not have to be in the field in which you see yourself one day succeeding. Whether you find work as a waiter, an assistant to a builder, or a salesman, it does not matter. You need to immediately get back on the earnings escalator. You will find yourself telling yourself that you can’t accept work so far beneath you. We emphasize there is no such thing. No work is menial, all work will start your rehabilitation.

Ideally, you should have more than one job – a day one and an evening one. Once you are healthier and functioning, you can return to trying to find work in your field while at the same time proving yourself in what you are doing so that you are promoted and receive salary increases. Of course, you should pray, yet that is not a substitute for action.

Back to this lovely woman and her family. Not one penny of what she earns should be going to support you. If we understand correctly, she is four years older than you, she is making more money than you, and she has 3 children. You are sliding into a situation of mother/son. It could sadly devolve into her feeling she has 4 children not three. This is not what you want. If you are not living together, then you should only be involved to the point that the children don’t feel that another man has abandoned them, and you can devote yourself to being able to help them out financially as quickly as possible. If you have made the mistake of living together as if you were already married, then things are more complicated. Your moving out would add an additional abandonment to their lives. But you should stop sharing a bedroom with their mother. You are not married and should not be pretending to be. You should be a renter, contributing to the apartment’s upkeep.

With hard work and God’s blessing, may you soon be in a position to marry this woman and be a good husband and a supportive father to the children. Get going to make that happen!

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

---

What do you think? We’d love to hear your thoughts on this Ask the Rabbi & Susan post.
We Happy Warrior members can both read and write comments HERE.

Not a member yet? Ask the Rabbi is a reader-supported publication.
We truly appreciate those of you who sign up for a Basic membership. This lets us know we are providing value to you.

---