Dear Rabbi Lapin and Susan,
I have been a long time follower of Rabbi Lapin. I am a mechanical engineer in Ontario Canada and have been one for close to 20 years in the oil & gas industry.
I am finding it hard to maintain belief in an abundance mentality, and not to fall into fatalism. I have tried to remind myself that I am in a profession that has value and to view my work as an opportunity to serve others but I am finding that progressively more and more difficult.
My clients (and fellow engineers) seem to care less and less about quality the longer my career stretches out. I find myself increasingly spending my time just trying to convince people that my job is valuable to people that I find more and more are less experienced than I am, and that quite frankly don’t typify high degrees of character or morality.
I was accused of not using gender neutral language in a specification I wrote recently, and I was told that my level of knowledge “intimidates” other people. I find this feedback hard to reconcile as I feel like when I first started working 20 years ago these kinds of comments would get you laughed at.
About a year ago it hit home when I was accosted by a client after an incident where I was falsely accused of faulty work. This incident ended with the person being dismissed after an investigation.
The same week I found out my wife was pregnant, and I found a sense of hope that God was working in my life in some way that I couldn’t describe at the time. Somehow, I knew there was a purpose in my life by that little girl being given to me.
Unfortunately, my daughter died a short time ago after having been diagnosed with a fatal birth defect. This experience has shattered my wife, and I have struggled to keep strong for my family.
This whole time period has left me with a confidence issue that has affected my work ever since.
My question is how do I maintain a positive outlook in my profession, and not fall into a fatalistic view of the world? I would like to view my profession as something that has value, but with all the outsourcing to low-cost low-quality engineering centers going on in my industry, the constant green energy scam they push in Canada, and the worst part of all – the loss of my child – I find it hard to be positive about anything.
I have been told I need to separate out the issues in my professional life, from the issues in my personal life, the problem is I find I can’t. There are some days at work I am just overwhelmed with sadness.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Tim B.
Dear Tim,
We are always sad when our friends suffer, and your letter paints a picture of a whole pile of pain. We are going to try to be helpful on a practical level. We pray that we are able to bring you some relief.
As usual, when any complex system has a hiccup and ceases working as designed, we examine each element of the system in turn. For example, if a car engine stops working, we check into the fuel supply, the ignition, the timing, the compression, and so on till we find the fault or faults.
In the case of your life, someone tried to make a start by telling you to separate out the issues in your professional life from those in your personal life. As you note, that is hard to do. In our 5F system, we recognize that we cannot and should not see all 5 parts of our lives – Finance, Family, Faith, Fitness, and Friendships – as separate. They each affect the other. This doesn’t mean calling a friend to discuss going on a hike while you are supposed to be at work or thinking about what to make for supper while praying. It does mean recognizing that your work is impacting your grief as a father and your grief as a father is impacting your feelings about work. Together, they form a spiral that is pulling you down.
Let’s look at your life through the 5F prism.
Family? Losing a daughter is a huge blow (as we well know). You don’t say whether your wife and you have been blessed with other children. Your wife is understandably shattered, but you and your wife should be strengthening each other, not letting this tragedy pull you apart. You cannot erase your wife’s pain. Not being able to do so is not a failure on your part. You do need to allow both of you to move forward despite the pain. Clearly your Family score is way down. Let’s say low.
Finances? You don’t say whether your earnings are ample and whether your job is secure. But you describe your unhappiness with work and with the people among whom you work. Depending on the answers to our first two concerns about your job, namely revenue and security, we’d rate your Finance score as perhaps just below mid-range.
Faith? You are “overwhelmed with sadness.” You find it “hard to be positive about anything”. You find it hard to think in terms of abundance, and you are falling into fatalism. We’d say that on the spiritual front, your soul is burdened, so we’ll rate your Faith score as low.
Fitness? No data. We’d have loved to have read a line in your letter like this, “Thank God I have my health!”
Friendships: No data. We’d have loved to have read a line in your letter like this, “If not for my friends, I’d have really dropped to rock bottom!”
You need some wins. We suggest starting with Fitness, though right now that probably sounds like a burden. If you can combine it with Family or Friendship, even better. Go for a hike, swim, jog, canoe…ideally with your wife or a friend. Get yourself into better physical shape. Forcing yourself to move will lead to physiological and mental improvement.
If you have been building friendships over the years you are accustomed to being a giver and an equal partner in the relationships. It is hard to become a taker, but that is what you need to be now. Allow your friends to give to you. Accept invitations for meals, reach out for companionship, and share your sorrow over your daughter with others. Obviously, there is a limit to this. You don’t want people running away when they see you coming, but for a limited time, and in a limited way, lean on your friends and perhaps on extended family.
The above two paragraphs apply to your wife as well.
We feel that you may have been expecting too much from your work life. From your second paragraph we see that you are expecting philosophical validation in the areas of business and finance. In your third paragraph you indicate that you are seeking emotional validation. Please reread those two paragraphs.
For now, Tim, regarding work, just focus on doing your job, earning your salary, and getting paid. Don’t try to convince anyone at work that your job is valuable. Don’t try to evaluate the character and morality of anyone at work. Just do your job and collect your pay.
When associates criticize your competence as intimidating, politely bail out of that conversation and do your job. When you find yourself at work contemplating gaps in your abundance spiritual schematic and when at work you find yourself daydreaming fatalistically, banish those thoughts and get back to doing your job.
When you are feeling more stable, friends are there in order to discuss and explore these matters. These discussions and debates belong in the social arena, not at work. They may also belong in the Faith arena. Start devoting a little time to self-improvement through reading. There are many wonderful books and articles on the very topics that are concerning you.
Focus on all the 5Fs and give some serious thought to how you can better integrate them. The pain of losing a child, if managed correctly, will become less sharp with time. It will not disappear. That is real life. But, from our experience coaching large numbers of people who have undergone similar challenges, we feel quite confident that the above strategies will put you and your family on the road to recovery in all arenas.
Wishing you a holistic you.
Warmly,
Rabbi Daniel & Susan Lapin
Enjoyed this article? Feel free to share it using this link: https://rabbidaniellapin.com/im-in-a-downward-spiral/
What do you think? We’d love to hear your thoughts on this Ask the Rabbi & Susan post.
We Happy Warrior members can both read and write comments HERE.
Not a member yet? Ask the Rabbi is a reader-supported publication.
We truly appreciate those of you who sign up for a Basic membership. This lets us know we are providing value to you.
Looking for inspiration and practical guidance — at a fraction of the price?
See what’s available at closeout prices:
Closeout Books
$5.00 each book
Discover treasures like Dear Rabbi and Susan, Aleph-Bet, Hands Off, This May Be Love, and The Skeptic and the Rabbi — perfect additions to your library or heartfelt gifts for someone special.
Thought Tools Book Set (3 softcover books)$35.00. $10.00
Enjoy 150+ powerful insights from ancient Jewish wisdom, offering practical advice to enrich your family, friendships, finances, and faith.
Financial Prosperity Collection: The Ten Commandments – USB Flash Drive$149.00$75.00
Drawing from his best-selling books and teachings, this 10+ hour video course and 56-page workbook guide you through ten Biblical principles for creating lasting prosperity.
👉Ready to shop? Browse these favorites at a great value.
Bulk discounts available — contact Crystol to save even more!
