I Cook, He Pumps Gas

The famous illusionist (and rabbi’s son), Harry Houdini, used to fit himself into small boxes. I don’t.

When teenage girls were screaming and fainting over the Beatles. I wasn’t one of them. (Granted, I was too young to be part of that wave, but you get the point.) It’s not that I’m completely immune to peer pressure, but I have never easily gone down the path of conformity. My friends never gave me the nickname, Trendy.

This may explain my irritation with the label, trad wife.

To the outside eye, my marriage is eminently traditional. I have handled 90% or more of the cooking, laundry, dishes, and diaper changing. Obviously, I have done 100% of being pregnant and nursing. My husband has done 90% or more of the earning money, pumping gas (make that one 99%) and taking out the garbage. Even when I work for pay, he accepts 100% of the responsibility for us having enough income. So why do I bristle at stories and videos by and about trad wives?

Let’s leave that aside for a moment to explore why I also reject the label feminist. I believe that a woman doing the same job as a man should get the same pay. I expect my female friends and relatives to be intelligent and accomplished. The word obey does not appear in the Jewish marriage contract. Yet my hackles rise when politicians or pundits appeal to me as a “modern woman,” as if invoking feminist values should cause me to fall obediently in line.

My discomfort at both these labels is related. Good ideas can become bad ones when they become caricatures. Had you told Gloria Steinem in 1980 that female college students would one day adulate rapists as long as they are Moslem, and align with such men who, if successful in taking over the culture, would insist that they wear burkas, she would not have believed you. If you had told Billie Jean King when she was advocating for Title IX rights expanding athletic opportunities for females that women would be unable to safely play many sports, let alone win most athletic competitions, because they would be pushed out of sports by men claiming to be women, she would have dismissed you as hysterical. Yet, that is where we are today.

I appreciate women who opt for traditional wifehood, homemaking and motherhood. But when it becomes a trend, especially one that preens before a camera and is perfectly polished for social media, it arouses my suspicions. I have no wish to see where that self-promotional path may lead, even if the foundational concept is solid.

Not everything has to be a mass movement. Not every role needs a tidy label. Sometimes, we just need room to think for ourselves and make personal choices without checking a defining box.

This Musing is dedicated in memory of Tamar Kutz, who just passed away in her 70’s. Tamar was a kindergarten and schoolteacher, whose heart was broken on October 7, 2023, when her son Aviv, daughter-in-law Livnat, and grandchildren, Yonatan, Rotem, and Yiftach were murdered in their home by Hamas terrorists.

Last call to sign up for Rebecca Masinter’s Free Virtual Event where she will guide you to explore homeschooling and how to have a homeschooling mindset even if your children are in school.

Thanks again for recommending my blog on Substack, Family Fortitude, to your family and friends.

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