How Do I Deal with Our New Neighbors?

Dear Rabbi and Susan,

I’ve been wrestling with something and would appreciate your perspective. Given the sensitivity of this issue, I hesitated before writing to you. I was raised in a religious and politically conservative home, where patriotism and traditional values were central. Topics like homosexuality weren’t discussed—they were simply condemned.

Now, decades later, I still carry the same discomfort with sodomy, —but my attitude is not only emotional. I also worry about the values being modeled for my children. I’m not fully convinced all people are born homosexual; I believe cultural influences do play a role, and I want to shield my children from those influences for as long as I can.

We recently moved, and a gay couple with their adopted child lives nearby and we often see them around the neighborhood. They are warm and likable people—which makes it hard for me because I fear that friendliness could evolve into a real relationship, something I’m not comfortable with. Our faith community isn’t affirming of their lifestyle, but it isn’t confrontational either. People treat them normally, and that leaves me feeling isolated in my discomfort. This discomfort of mine is rooted in sincere, biblically-based convictions, and a desire to protect my kids – not just irrational fear.

I try not to judge others for sinning differently than I do, but it’s hard to ignore someone openly living in contradiction to values I hold sacred. A while back, our family encountered a similar situation. In our community, a single father was sleeping with vulnerable women experiencing rough patches in their relationships and destroyed at least one marriage. I refused to acknowledge this person in public, giving him the cold-shoulder and making it clear I wanted nothing to do with him. My wife and I decided that our family will have nothing to do with this person. In that situation, I found friends appreciating and agreeing with my stance. Not so in this case. It seems like our culture sees homosexual relationships as a valid union as opposed to any other illicit sexual relationship.

So, I ask you: how much should I be pushing myself to overcome this discomfort and interact cordially with this fellow, given our shared community? I guess I’m not totally confident in my position.

Thanks,

Jeff

Dear Jeff,

Not that this is a big help to you, but you’ll be interested to know that yours is typical of a letter that we receive quite often, although it usually concerns a “gay” family member. Naturally, deciding how, or whether to attend family gatherings is very much more complicated.

Nonetheless, Jeff, you do have a real quandary; we not only sympathize but we also express our admiration for your commitment to your values and to your family. What you’re facing here is a conflict between three desirables-one in Family, one in Faith, and one in Friendships. You’d like to have an all-inclusive and friendly neighborhood and community, (Friendship) and you’d like to remain true to your values (Faith) and you’d like to defend your wife and children spiritually just as dependably as you defend them physically (Family). The trouble is that you cannot achieve all three at the same time.

We urge you to view your problem intellectually and not emotionally. What is the difference? An emotional response might cause you to behave zealously, shunning the family in question quite publicly and embarrassingly. Please don’t fall into that trap. It is not pleasing to God or man.

Handling your problem intellectually means that you confine yourself to the real and intrinsic needs themselves. In your case, this means that you don’t want your children to become prematurely aware of these living circumstances and thereby for this behavior to become normalized in their young consciousnesses. This is entirely legitimate. However, as we all know we are encouraged to hate the sin, but not the sinner.

Therefore, we advise that you behave perfectly politely when you meet. Above all, don’t radiate cold contempt. That said, however, you also should not radiate the kind of over-effusive warmth that would likely elicit an invitation to their BBQ next weekend. You have to walk a delicate balance. You children will see you relating with perfect politeness but in a way noticeably different from the way you interact with close friends and relatives.

It might well happen that one of the individuals concerned buttonholes you and asks whether there is some problem you have with them. Perhaps they have extended several invitations to socialize, invitations you have routinely declined. In this situation, there is no way to beat around the bush. You have to explain, with as much compassion as possible, that you regret any hurt it has caused them, but because of a religiously based lifestyle disagreement, you can and hope always will be good neighbors but you can never be good friends. Unless they are political activists, you should have no difficulties with this approach.

Your children are a more delicate issue. If your children are young, you can establish the rule that any play dates must be at your house. As they grow, this is the type of issue that propels you to share your values in an age-appropriate way.

You might have to chat with the leader of your faith community to give him a heads-up that you are taking this position, especially if the two men involved are also associated with the same religious institution.

If the right way to deal with conflicts within a value system was obvious and simple, we would have no need of a Bible and its carefully calibrated system of rules and regulations. Because in this imperfect world, it is not often easy to choose the path between the perils. In this case, the values of Faith and Family supersede the values of Friendship.

With best wishes for successfully navigating the choppy seas of successful living.

Sincerely

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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