Many years ago, my nine-year-old cousin told our grandmother at her birthday celebration that she was, “the oldest person I’ve ever met.” His mother, my aunt, was mortified. Grandma just laughed. Even though we may smile at blunt comments from children, one hopes that we acquire tact and discernment as we grow older. Yet as we grow older, the social landscape becomes trickier.
Routine social questions, part of normal etiquette, seem innocent and usually are. However, they can also hurt. I hope to attend a high school reunion in a few weeks. I have neither seen nor spoken with most of the people who will be there for decades, but we did spend many hours of our formative years side by side. Our classes started at 8:30 in the morning and often went past 5:30 in the afternoon. School was the major factor in many of our lives.
The occasion seems to beg for conversation starters such as, “Where do you live?” “What do you do?” and “How many children do you have?” We want to catch up with each other. This could lead to awkward moments. Mentioning the neighborhood one lives in, or one’s professional occupation, can reveal far more than merely geography or job. It can reflect a level of affluence or not. Most of us have married and have children, but it’s certainly possible that someone stayed single (not by choice) or that a couple had fertility issues. Innocent questions can lead to discomfort. But if we don’t get personal at all, the reunion will be less meaningful. But getting personal does incur risk.
I am truly curious and interested to know what path my friends from those teenage years took. It would be great fun to find out that our children live near each other or that our grandchildren attend the same school. Yet, since our daughter, Rena, died last summer, I personally am feeling apprehensive about that dance of discovery in a way that I wouldn’t have felt a few years ago. How do I honor Rena’s place in my life without putting a sudden end to a chatty conversation or leave everyone feeling awkward? I don’t know. I want to have fun at this reunion and reconnect with people; not to receive sympathy no matter how heartfelt.
I am basically a straightforward person. When I moved to Los Angeles, I was shocked to discover that the phrase, “Let’s get together soon,” was a brush off. I certainly understand that when the acquaintance you meet in the supermarket says, “How are you?” the last thing they want to hear is a detailed answer. The question is a throwaway line. And “great” is an uplifting response for both questioner and respondent. But when someone is more than an acquaintance, what do you do when “wonderful” is not honest? Are you betraying the relationship if you don’t answer in more depth?
Zig Ziglar’s preferred answer when asked how he was doing, was “Great!” The master motivational speaker encouraged his tens of thousands of students to cultivate a positive attitude and present an upbeat manner. Your attitude affects your environment and the people around you. Sometimes, though, politeness can turn into dishonesty. My husband and I enjoyed many energizing hours with Zig and his wife Jean. An experience we never wanted to share was that of losing a daughter. In this too, we learned from Zig. After his daughter, Suzan, died at age 46, Zig wrote about his grief and the need to allow room for it alongside his generally optimistic and cheery persona.
The last few weeks have been hard. With holidays, anniversaries, and family events, we have been acutely aware of Rena’s absence. Noteworthy dates vividly remind us of the same day last year, by when it was inescapable that her body was slowly shutting down. At my weekly Bible study, when one of the women asked me if I was ok, I shared with the group that I wasn’t. Just as they held me through the initial loss, they continue to hold me. Putting on a false smile would have disrespected our friendship.
We should scorn the idea that fear of causing anyone to be “triggered” means that language must be sanitized, books must be rewritten, and people must be canceled. At the same time, on an individual level we can be sensitive to knowing that we often don’t know what is going on in other people’s lives, whether or not they are the oldest people you know.
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