Dear Rabbi,
[ in response to a Deep Dive of September 2024, which itself was based on an Ask the Rabbi of July 16, 2024. ]
Rabbi, you mentioned “some things were helpful, others were hurtful.” Can you share what helped?
CP.
Dear CP.,
Before we can answer your question, we need to fill in the back story, and then the back story to that back story…We hope you will be able to follow all the trails.
Months after discussing and giving thought to answering an Ask the Rabbi question from ‘Arianna’, our children told us that the seven of them had actually created her. They were pranking us and were shocked that we didn’t catch on.
Arianna’s question had to do with siblings leaving spouses and kids to go away and spend time with each other. Our children did exactly that when one of them, our Rena, was battling stage four cancer.
Very shortly after Rena died, we re-ran that Ask the Rabbi, letting everyone know what we had discovered about its origins. We also taped a Deep Dive discussing how to differentiate between pranks and jokes that deepen relationships and ones that cause hurt or shame.
In that Deep Dive, I (RDL) mentioned that among the condolence visits and letters we received, some comments were helpful where others were hurtful. That is where your question comes in, CP.
It is not an easy one to answer. What one mourner finds consoling, another will find irritating. Even the same person might react to the exact same comment differently depending not only on who said it but also on their own frame of mind at the time it was said. The danger of saying something wrong and hurtful at such a sensitive time is so great that people often avoid friends who are suffering out of fear of causing hurt rather than helping. This is true not only for periods of mourning but when people we care for are going through a divorce, have kids in trouble, and other difficult times. Who among us hasn’t metaphorically kicked ourselves for words we wish we could take back?
Having said that, there are some general rules that might be helpful. When visiting a shiva house, a house of mourning, ancient Jewish wisdom recommends staying quiet unless and until the mourner precipitates conversation. Your presence matters more than anything you may say. Sitting with someone in their pain is a gift.
Most mourners appreciate hearing stories about the person for whom they are mourning. They don’t want to hear about the visitor’s friend or relative who is facing the same disease or who also died. Intrusive questions, too, are out of place. It is not the bereaved person’s job to satisfy anyone’s curiosity.
We suggest erring on the side of caution with theological thoughts. Words that may be helpful a few weeks, months, or years down the road may be hurtful when the pain is raw. And if you don’t know the person well, they may simply be a mismatch. You can always say something later; you cannot reel back words.
We don’t know if it is mathematically true that a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved. But, being surrounded by loving relatives, friends, and community when times are tough, does provide immeasurable strength and support. Don’t let worry of not doing it perfectly keep you from being there when needed.
May we be blessed to share joyful times,
Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin
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