Does My Girlfriend Love Me?

Dear Susan and Rabbi,

About seven months ago I bought myself a copy of your book Dear Rabbi & Susan: 101 Real Life “Ask the Rabbi” Questions and very much enjoyed it. Thank you both for writing it. I recently went back to the book in the hope that one of the 101 questions deals with my problem. But it did not. So, that is the reason I am writing to you.

I am 27 years old and have been with my girlfriend for two and a half years. She is also 27. I love her very much and I have even started thinking of marriage and perhaps a family one day.

But here is what just happened: We share a few accounts so when I needed to use an AI program, I was sure she wouldn’t mind if I logged into her account. I was just about to type in my prompt when I noticed the headings of her recent searches and the top one was “my relationship.” Yes, I know that I definitely should not have invaded her privacy. And yes, I know that when one does this one often finds things you wish you had never seen. This happened to me. I wish now that I never saw what AI said to her.

“Based on what you are telling me, you should consider ending your relationship with your boyfriend.” Rabbi and Susan, maybe you two are different, but nearly everyone I know would not have been able to stop reading at that point. So, I continued reading…

Now just to clarify, for at least two years I have been sure that she and I were on the path to permanency, so you can imagine that I felt as if someone had socked me in the stomach. I read further and saw her asking AI how she could be sure she loved me. “Compare and contrast him with previous boyfriends” instructed AI, and my girlfriend complied. And not so much to my advantage. It all began with her asking AI whether being together for over two years was enough to know she was in love and it went downhill from there.

My question is now that I know that my girlfriend is filled with deep doubts about our relationship and even about me even though I do love her, do we have a future together?

With thanks for your guidance,

Nicholas L

Dear Nicholas,

You probably know the story of the peasant who sadly informed his friend that his horse had died. The friend was only mildly sympathetic, so the peasant explained, “You don’t understand; Over the past two years I had just got him accustomed to eating a mixture of oats and sawdust and then the animal goes and dies!”

We know that you are going to feel that we are not addressing your question when we say this to you: Nicholas, over the past two years you got your girlfriend accustomed to a relationship with no commitment, and then the relationship goes and dies. Love does not produce commitment, but commitment does produce love.

We are not going to address your reading your girlfriend’s “conversation” with AI. Maybe on some level she intended you to see it. Who knows? In any event, you clearly see the moral ambiguity there, so it needs no further contemplation from us.

A woman asking, “Do I really love him?” after two and a half years is not a small thing. It does not mean she does not love you. But it does mean she is not at peace. And peace—especially in a woman considering marriage—is not optional. It is foundational.

You see, while love is merely a feeling, in ancient Jewish wisdom, love grows from giving, from building, from shared purpose. It is not measured by comparing you to former boyfriends or by consulting a machine that has never sat at a joyous family meal. It is measured by actions. And your actions over the course of the relationship do not speak of commitment.

You may have thought you were both on a path to permanence, but your actions did not show that. Especially if you are living together, you are revealing yourself as a boy, not a man capable of shouldering responsibility for a woman. It doesn’t sound like the two of you discussed a path leading to marriage and children. After two and a half years you are “thinking” about permanence? That is about two years too late. You showed disrespect for her time and feelings. Your girlfriend clearly does not have any sense of being on a defined journey toward marriage and family.

Boys live for the present while men live for the future, the present, and the past. Your letter tells us that you live for the present. It is clear that you thrill to no inner music that sings to you of protecting and providing for a wife and children. You speak much about love but little about actions that would reveal your commitment to the future.

Your girlfriend’s words to AI do not reveal betrayal which is an action. They reveal hesitation, which is a signal, and in our view she is reflecting the very same hesitation she feels in you.

Does your relationship have a future? Possibly, but you need to act decisively and quickly. Relationships have an arc of growth. It is possible that you wasted yours and it is too late. However, it is also possible that you can salvage the situation. Are you willing to act with a focus on the future? Or are you going to continue a vague middle ground where love is discussed endlessly but commitment is postponed indefinitely?

Not having spoken with your girlfriend, we don’t know if irreparable damage has been done to your relationship, but we do know that the only way to find out if it might be possible to move forward is to act decisively with commitment. And yes, to risk embarrassment and rejection. We recommend confessing your technological eavesdropping and admitting that it forced you to realize how much you care for her and how wrong you have been. Let her know that you believe in the two of you, present her with an engagement ring, and suggest a date in the near future when you wish to marry.

So do not ask, “Does she love me enough?” Instead, Nicholas, ask, “Am I ready to commit to building a life with her?” The answer will reliably guide your way forward.

Onwards and upwards,

Rabbi Daniel & Susan Lapin

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