Do I Leave?

Firstly, thank you Rabbi and Susan Lapin for all that you do. I would like your wisdom on my relationship situation. I am 60, a female, with no children.

For the past 16 years I’ve been living with a man who has 3 children and 3 grandchildren. We met at work in a media organization and although I wouldn’t have been able to label myself back then, I did hold liberal, and atheist/agnostic views. Since then I’ve become very clear about my values and I am a Christian conservative.

During that journey of 16 years of being with this man, it has become clear that he is a staunch liberal atheist, with fixed views. Issues initially started with money, when he said his money was none of my business. But then in the past 5 years, my Christian faith has become an issue and I feel aspects of persecution in my own home, with him throwing his vitriol about Christianity directly at me.

Can you tell me what you might advise someone like me to do? We’ve obviously had good times and I feel there is love between us. But our clear difference of values now is a problem. I find it very scary to be a 60 year old female, with no children and so the thought of being on my own into old age fills me with dread.

What does God/the bible say about my situation?

Julia R.

Dear Julia,

First of all, here is the good news. Sixty is the new fifty—maybe even forty. You, with God’s grace, are still active, healthy, and have many productive years ahead of you. You also have a big decision to make and neither choice comes with any happiness guarantee.

Your first option is remaining in the situation you know and enjoy the benefits as well as pay the costs of that decision. Your second option is you can choose to jump into a scary unknown with all its benefits and costs.

Let’s look at your first option. You have invested sixteen years with this man. However, during that time, you have made major changes in your thoughts and beliefs making it less comfortable and suitable for you. On a practical level, there are some big unknowns ahead.

It sounds like not only are you not married but you also are not financially intertwined. We are going to guess that his children feel little to no obligation to honor or care for you. So, even this seemingly well-known relationship doesn’t really offer security as you get older.

Option two means venturing into the complete unknown. Sticking with the known is always easier than making a major change but launching oneself into something new does bring limitless potential. Wonderfully unexpected things could happen. In some ways, you have already made one of the biggest changes imaginable by committing to a Christian worldview.

Have you searched for and discovered a great church? Have you involved yourself in many church activities and formed a connection with one of the spiritual leaders? Are you starting to form friendships with those on your new wavelength? Stepping out of your comfort zone will be much easier if you have caring people surrounding you.

If this is the path you pursue, be aware that it will initially be harder. Many things might happen, all of them now unknown. You will hopefully find female Christian friends who become “your group.” It is by no means impossible that the good Lord arranges that you meet a Christian man with whom you build a home and whose children and grandchildren embrace you. However, you certainly can’t count on that. Whatever happens, you must be ready to live at peace with yourself and your decision. Not being constantly harassed and chided for your beliefs allows you to expand and enjoy yourself.

One thing we urge anyone without children to do is to connect with younger people, whether by mentoring, offering social or financial help…the options are endless. It is depressing to have only friends of one’s own age who get infirm and die off one by one. We all need the past, present, and future in our lives.

One more thing, Julia, Biblically speaking, by living together openly for sixteen years you actually are in a partial marriage, unfortunately one that is not suffused with God’s blessings. We mention this to point out that in addition to practical, physical steps needed for separation, if you choose to end your present situation, you should expect to need a spiritual separation as well. Cutting such long-standing ties is a process rather than an overnight action.

Julia, only you can decide if you have the strength and courage to jump or if you prefer to resign yourself to what is. Decide to be happy with whatever decision you make.

We’re rooting for you,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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