Direction Please

Dear Rabbi and Susan,

I am reading and loving Rabbi Lapin’s books. They are changing my heart and mind.

I have a question that maybe you can direct or counsel me.

I know my hubby has many mental and spiritual blocks about money…his parents too. They say things like “so and so is so nice even though they have money”.

My hubby isn’t much of a reader or audiobook listener though I’m going to ask him…

But I feel sometime like he’s happy to let me do the work and succeed…but as a wife I feel like he should be ambitiously taking the lead.

I know I shouldn’t “should” on myself or him but it makes him unattractive to me when he steps back.

Do you have resources that address this issue?

Thanks in advance!

Jami

Dear Jami,

We wish that we could say, “What an unusual problem you have,” but your letter is very similar to three others we received the same week and many others we receive through the year. We are now reaping the sad harvest of terribly destructive cultural trends of the past few decades. In each case, competent and creative women contacted us because they are tired of shouldering the financial burden and economically being the primary breadwinner for their families.

One of these false cultural themes is the one that has infected your husband and his parents. It is the untrue equation that Poverty = Virtue. Thus, they are bewildered when they encounter someone who is not poor and yet possesses virtue. This is amplified in the culture by snide sneers like, “the rich should pay their fair share,” suggesting that those with a few dollars in the bank got those by cheating. Or “good to see him giving back to society,” implying that while he was making his money in the first place he was ripping off society.

Another false idea is that masculinity is toxic which is problematic since masculinity is synonymous with providing for others. We explain this thoroughly in our book, The Holistic You. Finally, there is the cultural meme that women reach fulfillment by achieving financial and professional success. Sadly, these all suppress male financial ambition and contribute to your situation becoming an increasingly common one.

By the way, there is nothing wrong with you in that you feel less attracted to a man who is not a provider. That is perfectly natural and perfectly normal.

Here is the biggest difficulty we see. In your situation as well as in all the other cases that we have been involved in during the past year or two, it is the wife who is asking for help. The men may not realize that their marriages are facing a serious problem. Or they may feel impotent (in every way) to do anything about it. These are good women, and they want to love and respect their husbands. However, that goodwill is being eroded daily.

From what you report, your husband has wrong ideas about money that have become second nature to him. Should he want to earn more, his misguided beliefs will stand in his way. We are actively training people who want to become 5F coaches. We are equipping our coaching candidates to help people integrate marriage and money since the link is critical, as you have seen. We’re doing this because we see that many more people need proper 5F coaching than we can possibly work with ourselves. But our trainee coaches are perhaps a year away from becoming fully credentialed and you need solutions before then. The key thing is that before anyone can help your husband acquire a new spiritual blueprint that includes financial ambition, he must want to do so. He must grow to see the current circumstances as intolerable.

Here are two possible options for you, Jami. Some women have found much help from Laura Doyle’s books. Her concept of the ‘empowered wife’ (previously known as the ‘surrendered wife’) is mocked by some and blessed by others. She advises women in situations similar to yours to stop shouldering so much responsibility. When these wives do step back, their husbands often step forward. You might find her books helpful.

Another option is to lovingly and respectfully share your discontent with your husband. He wants you to be happy and may be unaware of how you feel. Rather than waiting for it to come out in resentment towards him, explain that you want to work less and focus more on building your home. Lay the problem in his lap. Should he want to step up but finds himself hindered by his wrong thoughts or other repairable handicaps, he then will be open to hearing about our books and programs.

What we wish we could do is to have a platform on which you and the other women contacting us would talk to young college women and explain to them how the excitement of ‘conquering the career world’ may not be all they expect it to be. Young women need to know, among other things, that being on hormonal birth control can lead them to favor less masculine men—a preference that may come back to bite them. As our culture pushes women to be ambitious and powerful while at the same time encouraging men to embrace their feminine sides or to be ashamed of who they are because masculinity is toxic, both men and women are being set up for difficulties that you sadly know so well.

You are wise to know that wallowing in the world of “should” is counterproductive. You committed to marriage with this man. Nonetheless, the world of “could” is available for improving your lives together.

Move forward,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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