Dear Rabbi and Susan,
Last week, after six years of dating, my boyfriend proposed to me. Because of seeing something I wasn’t meant to see, I discovered that my engagement ring is a lab created diamond ring that he got for $450. If he was short of money, it wouldn’t matter to me, but about three weeks ago he bought a new Harley Davidson bike.
This was not the only concern I have since becoming engaged. In hindsight, I feel that I have been nagging him for a few years about getting married. He never reacted well to me bringing up marriage. At various times he has told me that marriage is a bad deal for men, that he doesn’t believe in marriage, and that he won’t love me more after we have a piece of paper than he does now. But I felt that he would grow into it because we have been together so long.
Is the price of the ring a danger signal for me? Could it be a ‘shut-up-ring’ rather than a symbol of our everlasting love and future life together? I feel weird about all this since all I have wanted for many years is to be married to him and now we are sort of on the road to our married life together.
Thank you,
Serena
Dear Serena,
So, after ‘dating’ you for six years and being nagged for a few years, he finally proposed with a ring that cost about 15% of what he recently spent on a motorcycle. We presume that had he committed to a wedding date you would have told us. So, yes, of course it is a ‘shut-up ring’.
Let’s be upfront here. It is time to turn your life around. You have made terrible mistakes and could help others by writing an essay on what not to do in a relationship. But first, you need to do the painful work of recognizing how badly you bungled things.
If the lab-created ring is what woke you up, then it served a wonderful purpose. Not because there is anything wrong with lab-created rings, but because coming on the heels of the Harley-Davidson purchase it was like a bucket of cold water in your face.
Based on our extensive experience, we estimate your chances of a long and happy marriage at about 20%. Could your boyfriend have an epiphany and grow into a mature, caring, nurturing spouse? Yes, and you also might win the lottery. We wouldn’t suggest that you depend upon either of those unlikely eventualities. Don’t buy lottery tickets to secure your financial future and don’t marry this guy to secure your marital future.
You have won a battle by forcing your boyfriend to propose but you have lost the war. When a man tells you that he doesn’t believe in marriage, believe him. When a man doesn’t move a relationship towards marriage in a (very) reasonable amount of time, know that he doesn’t want to marry you. People can grow into marriage the same way that they can become accustomed to chronic pain. It is not a first choice.
Having invested so many years in this guy, we understand how very hard it is to walk away. Especially as you now have an engagement ring to show your family and friends when you assure them that things are moving on. Nevertheless, unless of his own initiative (with no reminder, let alone nagging, from you) he now excitedly tries to set a wedding date and plan for marriage, we advise you to run, not walk, out of this situation.
We suggest that you take the next year or so to work on your own emotional and spiritual growth. Only when you are aware of your self-worth and have started behaving in a way that is worthy of a good man, should you even think of dating again. And, while you didn’t mention a physical aspect, we urge you not to act as if you are married when you aren’t.
It is time to confront your past mistakes honestly and bravely, start over, and become a new and different Serena. In that way, you can realistically hope for a life-long, happy marriage.
With tough love,
Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin
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That was great advice you gave Serena. And everything you said was worded perfectly. Hopefully she’ll take your advice and not waste more years of her life.
She is already micromanaging him and nitpicking his choices. The man is wise to take his time to vet / evaluate the woman. There is currently quite the culture of entitlement and toxicity, he is smart to protect himself from a woman who tells him one thing but once married will drop the act and drain his life energy. This happens so commonly. Although it is good to have a Biblical or traditional focus on marriage and relationships, that flies out the window when the parties involved only want to “get” something from the arrangement.
The man is correct, marriage can be a very bad deal for him. She is pushing him to agree to a legal contract in which he can lose half of everything he owns, pay alimony, etc. It is a giant, life changing decision. I am speaking from personal experience as well as from discussions with others who have had this happen. Laws are slanted heavily against men in this area. She is already criticising him, perhaps insulting and shaming him, before they are even married, and even here publicly shaming and insulting him, thus a warning sign. A 1-sided focus, on her. She is aging and is getting nervous about her age, beauty, fertility, and ‘finding a man’ for financial security and support.
The emotional whims of the woman essentially control the relationship. If you think about it, that’s what it boils down to. If she gets bored, wants more power and control, is “unhappy” with herself, refuses to self-reflect, apologize, or grow, embraces a victim mentality and blames her problems on the man, she can just bail. I also speak from experience. There is no good way to “discipline” or punish a woman for bad, disrespectful, entitled, lazy, or narcissistic behaviour. Essentially, she gains a lot of power and potential money for the marriage contract. It is a very, very good deal for her. She will likely guilt him to go to “couples counselling” in which a 3rd party can also heap guilt and accusations on him.
The cost of the ring shouldn’t matter. The fixation on the price he paid is a big red flag of entitlement. She is obsessed with ‘getting free stuff’ from another person. About how he chooses to spend his money or time, about what he values, his hobbies or interests. It is as if she feels that she has the ‘duty’ to “approve” whether he can do something or it can only be with her blessing – taking the role of one with more power in the relationship, more control, even the seeds of domination. That is not respect, nor honor, nor submission.
The grossly inflated price of diamonds is tightly controlled to drive up pricing. Listen to her language about “everlasting love…” etc. She is in love with a fantasy, believing that marrying a man will “make her dreams come true” or “complete her.” Again focusing on what she can get or take.
The “desire” discussed in Genesis 3:16 for the woman to seek to dominate and control the man is real. The same “desire” that sin had for Cain to dominate him. Yes, that woman should move on, the man will dodge a bullet by having her out of his life. Just keeping it real vs. the fairy-tale fantasies that can crush men and cause financial problems for many years, and psychological and emotional abuse from women such as this.
The fact that the relationship is 6 years old may indicate there is just not much interest or desire between them, or some other obstacles. It could just be a sign that they are not a good match.
If he actually does care about her, and she for him, they should draft a prenuptial agreement that each person keeps what is in their name, so nobody is “rewarded” for breaking the marriage agreement. That keeps the parties involved more honest, more invested and intentional, and on better behaviour.
If a woman complains about the cost of a ring, a gift someone gives her, she should then get nothing. She is acting like a princess who is not getting her way.