Dating Two Women at the Same Time

Dear Rabbi and Susan,

I have often seen/heard you write and talk about dating with marriage in mind (courtship) rather than as an open-ended activity. I don’t think I’ve heard you discuss my question.

I am 28 years old, have a good job, and am ready to get married. I recently spotted a new woman at church and as I’ve interacted with her casually in a group setting over a few weeks, I think there is potential for a future. At almost exactly the same time, I began chatting with a woman I’ve run into a few times at my office building’s coffee shop, and I think I am definitely sensing a spark. (She, too, is a committed Christian.)

Here’s my question: Is it ok to ask both of them out and see how the different dates go?
Or is that a bad idea?

Matthew C.

Dear Matthew,

It is a pleasure to get a letter from someone who is planning his future with seriousness and intent. Within your letter, you addressed four of our 5Fs – family, finances, friendship (group activities at church) and faith. We trust that you also incorporate fitness. Your concern for doing things in the correct way bodes well for your future.

We are not advocates for dating two women at one time. Each potential mate deserves full attention and respect rather than being an inadvertent contestant in a dating show where they are constantly being compared with someone else. An additional point is that juggling two relationships is not that easy. It takes superhuman effort to remember which conversation took place with whom and to give energy and concentration to each one. Marriage is about commitment. Now is a time to practice that trait.

We recommend that you decide which woman to ask out first based on several criteria, in no particular order. (i) How you feel in the presence of each (note that this is different from how you feel about them.) (ii) What you actually know about each of them. If you have any acquaintances in common, for instance, a pastor or church leader, you might be able to glean some data. (iii) How each treats people around them when nothing is at stake.

Remember, deciding which woman to approach first is a low stress decision, so decide A or B and get moving.

Matthew, one thing we want to remind you: there is not one perfect woman for you. It is possible for you to build a strong and flourishing home with any number of women. How the two of you behave determines that outcome. Certainly, there are many wrong women—but conducting yourself like the man you seem to be means that you can build from more than one foundation. We are not minimizing compatibility, shared values, and physical attraction. However, people can spend decades searching for “the one” and end up never getting married. People also regularly marry the person they consider to be “the one” and end up unhappy and/or divorced.

Our advice would be to weigh up what you know and go all in on spending time and exploring a relationship with one of these women. Is there a risk that things do not progress and that by the time that happens the second woman is no longer interested or available? Of course there is. That is real life. We are confident that should that happen, you will be ready to create or seize another opportunity.

Happy courting,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

P.S. We regularly get feedback from individuals, parents, and youth groups telling us how helpful to them the book Hands Off! This May Be Love has been. Although it wasn’t scheduled to go on sale until tomorrow, because of the topic of today’s Ask the Rabbi, we are turning the sale on early. Enjoy!

Enjoyed this article? Feel free to share it using this link: https://rabbidaniellapin.com/dating-two-women-at-the-same-time/

---

---