Broken Hearts

A famous story in ancient Jewish wisdom relates how a wise woman, Bruriah, told her husband, Rabbi Meir, of the sudden death of their two sons. This is how she did it: She asked her husband, the distinguished Rabbi Meir, whether she was obligated to return to the owner an item that she had been given for safekeeping. He was befuddled by such a simple question being asked by someone acknowledged as a uniquely brilliant and knowledgeable woman. “Of course, you need to return it,” he replied, at which point she took him to the room where his two sons’ bodies lay and said, “God gave, God has taken away; blessed be the name of God.”

There are many groups that one wishes never to join, and it is with great pain that my husband and I are internalizing the teaching of Bruriah. Forty-two years ago, God blessed us with a daughter whose shining face from the moment of birth led us to name her Rena – joy in the Lord’s language. While every child is special, the widespread outpouring of grief we are witnessing at Rena’s death tells us that she inspired more affection and devotion in her short life span than most of us do with many more years in our grasp. I would like to share three small stories that illustrate Rena’s spirit and that can inspire all of us to appreciate our time on Earth and the gift of our families, and to look at others with a giving, caring eye.

Story 1: While Rena was bright, she was not academically inclined. In fact, she precipitated our family’s entry into homeschooling when we recognized that sitting at a desk for hours a day and filling in workbooks was not her inherent method of learning. Yet, after homeschooling for many years, Rena chose to go to a wonderful Jewish girls’ high school that valued academics, extracurricular activities, and character development.

In his eulogy, my husband spoke of the pride we felt when Rena was upset about the grade of A she received on one report card. She felt that grade reflected a misuse of her time and decided that in the future, a B would be fine. The extra time she had used studying that resulted in the A could have been used visiting the local old age home, helping others, or devising fun activities for her friends. (In his eulogy, my husband mentioned that this was Rena’s sole A. Her principal quickly called to tell us that he pulled her transcript and she had received more than one A. Yet, we remember her consternation at this particular A, for she felt that she had devoted too much time to achieving it.)

Story 2: Since childhood, Rena’s ambition was to be a loving wife and mother. While still single, she once called me up, quite upset. She was spending time with a neighbor who was about ten years ahead of her in life’s pathway, when this woman’s husband came home after a day’s work. Rena was appalled that her neighbor, who had the privilege of being home with her young children, greeted her husband with a ‘to-do’ list and grievances instead of gratitude for facilitating her being able to spend time mothering.

Story 3: Rena was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer three-and a half years ago. She fought valiantly to live and at the same time lived each day to its fullest as if it was her last. She always had a heart and sensitivity for those who needed an extra dose of support. While caring for herself and her family these last few years, Rena recognized that many young mothers’ social links had been broken by the isolation imposed by Covid. At the same time, programs that she had used when her older children were young, such as those sponsored by the public library, could no longer be assumed to be morally acceptable. Rena founded and ran a free, wholesome Mommy and Me group for her community. Over the week of shiva, of mourning, one young mother after another came to console us while themselves breaking down in tears. “I had no friends until Mommy and Me,” and “I thought I was all alone,” were refrains we heard repeatedly over the week.

So many of you, our Happy Warriors, have reached out by mail and email over the past week. Your words have surrounded us with comfort. Many of you have made contributions in Rena’s memory to the Jewish Caring Network an organization that continues to provide physical and emotional support for her young family. We are more grateful for your warmth and words than we can express.

May Rena’s memory be a blessing as her life is an inspiration.

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