A Voice from the Past

I have been married for 6 years. I did not marry my husband out of romance or passion, but more for companionship.

I was about to turn 30 and to be honest, the man I thought I was going to marry and I were both influenced by our families to not be together. It has been 10 years since we separated. His faith was messianic Jew Christian and at the time I was very unfamiliar with it. I just didn’t like that Christmas and Disney was not allowed by his family. After all these years he still has reached out telling me he still loves me even though he knows I am now married.

My question is how can I love my husband and honor my marriage vows when I myself know I am still in love with my ex? I do not find myself desiring my husband the way a wife should. My husband was a Buddhist when we met and we have found ourselves now on a more Christian path but I feel the lack of intimacy with him cannot be overcome. I want to please God but I find this unhappiness so unbearable sometimes.

C.H.

Dear C.H.,

We would like to focus on one sentence from your letter and analyze it. Here is that sentence: “My question is how can I love my husband and honor my marriage vows when I myself know I am still in love with my ex?”

We appreciate that you are asking this question rather than asking if you should get divorced. Whether this is because the more Christian path you are on does not allow remarriage after divorce or because you personally feel that you made a solemn vow that must be honored, this reveals that you possess and are nurturing a mature and serious nature.

This is in complete contrast to you in your twenties who was willing to break off a promising relationship because of no Christmas tree or Disney. It sounds like you have grown up over the past decade.

When you say you still love this man, you mean that you are still infatuated with him and the idea of him. You have no way of knowing what you would feel about him had you married him and then met life’s challenges and trials at his side. Many an adult has fond recollections of a candy from their childhood only to feel nauseous after tasting it as an adult. Perhaps marriage to him would have been blissful and perhaps it would have been a disaster. You are only seeing the proverbial grass that is greener on the other side of the road.

However, your emotional attachment to your previous boyfriend is still stuck in your more immature self. Would a man who truly loves you reach out to you, knowing that you are married? Or is he more akin to the person who says, “I love turkey” and proceeds to kill his turkey and eat it. He actually loves himself, not the turkey.

Now, most importantly, CH, let’s review this sentence you wrote: “My question is how can I love my husband and honor my marriage vows when I myself know I am still in love with my ex?” The answer to your question is that you will come to love your husband by honoring the marriage vows you took. Let us explain: Love is a feeling, and of course our feelings change. Yesterday I felt like rice for dinner, but I don’t know what dish I will feel like tomorrow. The person who wishes to live a fulfilling life without regrets seldom acts on feelings and never makes important decisions based on feelings. When it comes to important actions, we follow our heads not our hearts. In building a happy marriage you will find that respect is far more important than love. And respect is a decision to act in a certain way, not merely a feeling.

You admit that you married for companionship. That shows great personal honesty. It seems that the companionship is still there, however your physical passion is lacking. Was this true before this first man resurfaced? Was the marriage, if not amazing, exactly what you signed up for until this first man showed up again? Is there anything, such as lack of personal grooming or body odor, that is turning you off from your husband? That could and should be addressed. However, the idea of this man is like putting drops of vinegar into a dessert. It can ruin the entire thing.

To directly address your not desiring your husband physically, we offer you advice that is based upon reliable psycho-biological information. Feelings follow actions. Seduce your husband passionately and frequently. You might be astonished at how ardently you will come to desire him. As we said above, acting in accordance with your feelings is seldom a good idea. And this is because feelings follow actions.

It sounds to us like you are, indeed, honoring your marriage vows. Not doing something wrong is in itself a good positive action. For instance, for a smoker to end his habit of smoking is a very strong action. You might want to compose a letter back to the ghost from your past and in no uncertain terms, notify him of how very unwelcome and how very inappropriate his overture was.

We understand that you are feeling deeply unhappy. Cure this negative feeling by action. We suggest that you throw everything you have – your passion, your time, your efforts – into making changes to improve your marriage. At the same time, work on finding meaning and purpose in your life through friendships, work (volunteer or paid), faith, and community.

Wishing you a fulfilling and promising future,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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