A Helping Hand

Dear Rabbi and Susan,

My wife and I are having a disagreement. I feel that it is our responsibility to pay for our children’s college education, and my wife feels that, while we can help, they have to have a sizable stake in the game.

I came out of college with no debt, thanks to my parents. I want to pay that forward. Am I wrong?

Mitch B.

Dear Mitch,

Congratulations on recognizing that far more important than the actual answer to your question, is the imperative that you and your wife need to be on the same page before you say anything to your children. It’s not clear from your letter whether your children are toddlers and this is a theoretical conversation or if they are upper-level high school students and this is soon going to be relevant.

For those who grew up in healthy homes, so much of good parenting is ‘paying it forward.’ Our parents walked the floor with us when we were teething, and we do the same for our children. Our parents made sure that we had nutritious food, and we do the same for our children. Our parents made sure we had crayons, pencils, scissors, and paper and we buy those for our children as well.

The question is whether we should copy our parents’ actions or copy their intent? If we grew up on Baby Einstein, a long defunct childcare product, must we now also plop our babies in front of screens? Or do we recognize that our parents wanted to give us a leg up and that today, we might better do that for our children by keeping screens away from them rather than accustoming them to technology at an early age. Clearly, we are not automatons to follow exactly in our parents’ steps. We should emulate their love and care in whatever way makes sense in the current world.

Truthfully, before thinking of paying for college, please open your eyes as to whether college would be a positive experience or a dangerous indoctrination for your child. Many parents are now in mourning for the children they lost to bigotry, hatred, and mental imbalance on the college campus. No one should think of college as a default. Loving your children may mean discouraging college and coming up with creative and superior alternatives.

But whether it is college or buying your kids their first starter home or helping set them up in business, we agree with your wife that a parent can give too much. In today’s world which encourages children to believe that they are owed everything, a valuable gift you can give your children is for them to learn how to work for and earn to achieve their aspirations. Yes, higher education tuition can no longer be covered by having a summer job waiting tables, as a friend of ours did to pay tuition for qualifying as a dentist. Yet, we all value something more when our efforts and labor pay for it. Our suspicion is that when they have a stake in the game, they will more wisely use any help you give them.

It is wonderful that you are grateful to your parents for the help they gave you. We are delighted that you and your wife have the financial resources to give your children a boost. We encourage you to look through the lens of what your children need rather than emulating exactly what your parents did. It may lead you in a different path than the one you are now contemplating.

Pursue wisdom,

Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin

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