My Mom passed away suddenly in April. She had been having intestinal issues for a couple of months & I finally figured out it was from a prescription she was taking. I had the doctor change it, but less than a week later, she died.
I blame myself for not discovering sooner the medicine was causing it, and have blamed myself ever since, believing I let her down & am heartbroken. She was my biggest inspiration. As you can imagine, I miss her terribly.
My husband says it is not my fault, and it was her time to go, but I feel I would still have her if I had figured it out sooner. Do you think we each have a certain time we are appointed to die?
We are truly sorry for your great loss. What a lovely tribute you give to your mother when you write, “She was my biggest inspiration.”
Blaming yourself is a natural reaction, but we agree with your husband that it is not a correct or productive one. Your letter makes clear (we edited for space; you provided more details) that you and your husband devotedly took care of your mother. If you could see into the future or if you were omniscient, you would have known that her medication was causing a problem; but those powers are not given to us. Her death may be completely unrelated to her treatment, as well. There is no reason to feel bad for being a human being. You did the best you could with the realities you saw.
We do believe that God appoints a time for each of us, however we also believe that human actions can accelerate or delay that time. Otherwise, there would be no reason to punish a murderer or to provide medical care or to pray for someone who is ill. Yet, we mustn’t make the mistake of thinking that we are in charge.
Your loss is still fresh and your emotions are raw. Try not to divert yourself from the pain by focusing on self-flagellation. You are still in the first year of mourning so rather than repeatedly reliving the medication issue in your mind, focus on all the good times you shared, all the gratitude you feel, and the wonderful example she set.
By sharing your mother’s story you are reminding us all to pay close attention to medicine interactions and of the need to monitor doctors. By sharing memories of her, you can encourage women to recognize their importance as mothers. The pain will never completely go away though it will lessen. The guilt should be abandoned right away.
Sending virtual hugs,
Rabbi Daniel and Susan Lapin